Spectacle.  Theatre.  Tragedy.  Comedy.  Like Life, such is LSU Football.  Never was that on display more than last year’s Tennessee near-debacle.  Well, let’s be fair.  Initially it was a debacle.  A debacle that abruptly turned into a victory which ripped the hearts out of Tennessee fans, players & coaches.  So much so for Derek Dooley that he was seen calling for the wahmbulance in his post game press conference last year.  Bottom line last year was, Tennessee had 13 players on the field & in the clip you can clearly see the Vols substituting AFTER LSU’s substitution package came on the field.

People can bitch all they want about LSU & Les Miles being “lucky.”  Obviously, these twits never grew up watching Notre Dame football or hearing their stories.  That whole “luck of the Irish” thing ring a bell?  Notre Dame parlayed luck into being the iconic program they are today.  Anybody who wouldn’t want to be “lucky,”  I have 2 things to say to you: A) you’re stupid & 2) you’re really stupid.

The thing about Coach Miles that mortals don’t get with all their complaints of “clock management issues” was this- never mind he has a giant Hatload full of come from behind 4th quarter & last second victories but that those complaints of “clock management” were the din of uninformed, linear thinkers stuck on an archaic concept of time.  Those silly little clock complaints were just that- silly.  They happen to a lot of coaches & they happen more often than people want to think.

A clock is such a dull-witted 3D-universe object anyway.  Les Miles is on a quantum level, baby.  He’s operating in a multi-dimensional multiverse.  When you realize that Les Miles knows the TRUTH- “time” as we know it, is nothing but an abstract concept created by carbon based lifeforms to monitor their ongoing decay– you finally begin to understand that like Jon Snow, you know nothing…

But you do know Teh Nuggetz are coming!…

Thursday Game
USC -3 at Cal 
Maaaaaaaaan, you guys remember when we had to hear incessantly about the greatness of USC?  Lemme tell you I thoroughly enjoy the delicious, schadenfreudic irony that a school like USC from the West Coast gets slapped with major probation violations whilst the conference always accused of cheating, the SEC, just rolls on like the Behemoth it is & continues to Conquer All.  Maybe USC is really USeC? (rimshot)          USC 26, Cal 20 

Saturday Games
Michigan  St. -1.5 vs. Michigan
Picture if you will, a young Curtísimo, circa 1984-1992.  Skinny & short but athletic & still blessed with anger of the wolf.  This game for the battle of the Boxing Glove-shaped state was one of the big games of the year for that little ball of hate.  Now… not so much.  Though Denard Robinson is fun to watch.  And I still dig the Wolverines’ helmets & to this day could still rattle of numerous Wolverines players including many of which even Wolverine fans probably have long forgotten such as Todd Plate & Thomas Wilcher.  Chris Zurbrugg & J. P. Oosterbaan.  Oh wait, Oosterbaan played basketball though his grandaddy was big in Wolverine football annals…          Michigan 28, Michigan St. 27

South Carolina -2.5 at Moo State
Stephen Garcia was finally dismissed from the ‘Cocks by the ‘Ol Ball Coach yesterday for violations of terms set by the coaches following his previous suspension(s).  Which is coach-speak for “we caught the bastard all drunk & doped up AGAIN.”  About his dismissal, Garcia was quoted as saying he was “shocked & totally flabbergasted.”  Which is Garcia-speak for ,”what the fuck? That detox tea was supposed to get rid of all that shit.”          South Carolina 21, Mississippi St. 20

Oklahoma St. -7.5 at Texas
Mack Brown…. LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL.  Texas looks to rebound, or scrape themselves off the turf as it were, lest they get the Oklahoma double done on them.  No, that’s not some sex move, or maybe it is.  If not somebody should make one up & put it up on urbandictionary.com.  Maybe Mack Brown can take charge of Tulane again if their Big 12-X rumored membership goes through.          Oklahoma St. 37, Texas 27

Tulane -1 vs. UTEP
Speaking of Tulane & their possible Big 12-X membership, we’ll include them in Teh Nuggetz this week.  Mainly so I can make a quip about if Tulane joins the Big 12-X perhaps they’ll actually able to put 40,000 in the 65,000 seat Superdome instead of their usual 20-25,000.   Excuse me, the Mercedes-Benz Superdome.     Do you wanna ride in my Mercedes Superdome, UTEP?     Tulane 33, UTEP 30

LSU -17 at Tennessee
see above intro paragraphs          LSU 30, Tennessee 14 

Vol mega-fans, Junior & Lulu, & Derek Dooley plead to Spinal Tap to come teach them how to count to 11

Illinois -4 vs. Ohio St.
Don’t look now, but the Fightin’ Zookers are 6-0!  While Floriduh is 4-2.  Yes, Jeremy, Illinois being 6-0 with [COACH REDACTED] is irony.  Maybe they could change the name to Fightin’ Ironi?  Get it?  Get it?! GET IT?!  Is this thing on?  Which is what Suckeye fans are no doubt asking this year as they have a real shot at opening Big 10+X play at 0-3 if they lose to the Fightin’ Ironi.          Illinois 31, Ohio St. 24

Bama -26.5 at Ole Miss (GEAUX TO HELL!)
Randall Mackey of Ole Miss (GEAUX TO HELL!) said that Bama’s defense aren’t gods, they’re just Bama.  or something to that effect.  Unfortunately for Mackey & Ole Miss (GEAUX TO HELL!) they don’t have to be to beat Ole Miss Black Bears (GEAUX TO HELL, BEARS!).  Pachydermis Sabanensis rolls on again but without covering.  How many Bama fans think it’s sacrilege that Ole Miss (GEAUX TO HELL!) uses a Bear?  “Ther’us ownly wo-one Beayur, boy & that’us the Beayur, Pawwwl Beayur Bryyyant, son.”          Bama 38, Ole Miss (GEAUX TO HELL!) 17

I think I saw the one on the left working a PGA tour event before.

Florida -2 at Auburn
Damn, it’s good to be Chris Rainey.  Or maybe it’s damn it’s good to be delusional like Chris Rainey.  After getting thumped back-to-back by Bama & LSU, Rainey still thinks Florida was better.  Which is funny b/c as you can see from the stats on that page, the only tough defense Rainey has run consistently run well on is the Gainesville Police Department.  “Time to die!”  Rainey was seen texting this to Floriduh’s season on Sunday evening.  Luckily, for the Gators no matter the outcome of their remaining games, Rainey thinks they’ll be better than everybody.                Auburn 34, Florida 30 = we was better in Chris Rainey’s head

SMU -3 vs. UCF 
Why did I pick this game?  So I can make a couple of stupid puns.  UCF would be “fuck” in Pig Latin while SMU has been some SMUth operators of late.  Do you get that last pun, Sadé?  If you don’t get it maybe you can search coast to coast, LA to Chicago; across the north & south, to Key Largo.  Oh you see?  Curtísimo ain’t all about the metal.  What does Sadé have to do with SMU & UCF?  Absolutely nothing.  But then again, the song clip that ends this blog post will have even less to do with anything…          SMU 34, UCF 24

Narwhals! Narwhals! Why? Why not?!


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