Posts Tagged ‘After Dinner Mints’

Thursday’s Game
USC  -3 at Cal
Predicted score: USC 26, Cal 20          Actual score: USC 30, Cal 9
Straight up (SU): Won; Against the spread (ATS): Won 

Every time I looked up from the computer or my drink, the kid from Cal was throwing interceptions around like outgoing Presidents throw pardons around.  Despite USC putting up 30 in this game their offense actually looked kind of lethargic to me, having to settle for field goals on a few drives.  U$C would’ve turned those drives into 7 points, where USC had to settle for the field goals…

Saturday’s Games
Michigan St -1.5 vs. Michigan 
Predicted Score: Michigan 28, Michigan St. 27             Actual score: Michigan St. 28, Michigan 14
SU: Lost; ATS: Lost 

Well, I got the 28 points for the winner correct, amirite?  But hey, guess who is tied for the 2nd most interceptions thrown in I-A (eat it, FBS name)?  Heisman candidate, Denard Robinson.  He also has a “stellar” 53.9% completion percentage.  Which in this day & age where you can dump to a back on every play is pretty rubbishy.  If he’s a legitimate Heisman candidate with all those oskies, only proves my point from a previous post that the Heisman is nothing but a fanboi award!

South Carolina -2.5 at Moo State
Predicted score: South Carolina 21, Moo State 20          Actual score: South Carolina 14, Moo State 12
SU: Win; ATS: Win

Well, the ‘Ol Ball Coach lost him a quarterback (that he dismissed from the team) & now it seems he lost him premier running back Marcus Lattimore, to a sprained ankle/knee/leg/talent.  The loss of Lattimore is huge as the SEC (L)East was/is there begging for someone to grab control of it.

Oklahoma St. -7.5 at Texas
Predicted score: Oklahoma St. 37, Texas 27          Actual score: Oklahoma St. 38, Texas 26
SU: Win; ATS: Win

A 1 pt. error either way from my predicted score?  Not bad, El Curtísimo.  Predicted score, actual score, whatever.  It all means one thing- Texas’ Big 12 hopes are pretty much already dead.  So, won’t you join me as we Lament For The Aurochs?

For it is written in Longhorns lore that one day another Vince Young will come & lead them back to Glory…

Tulane -1 vs. UTEP
Predicted score: Tulane 33, UTEP 30          Actual score: UTEP 44, Tulane 7
SU: Lost; ATS: Lost 

Well, that’ll learn me to pick a freakin’ Tulane game.  I guess UTEP didn’t mind that ride in the Mercedes-Benz Superdome…

LSU -17 at Thirteennessee
Predicted score: LSU 30, Thirteennessee  14          Actual score: LSU 38, Thirteennesee 7
SU: Won; ATS: Won

Not even a Peyton Manning booth cameo with Uncle Verne & Uncle Gary could stop the LSU Tiger Juggernaut.  Even JJ Headkicker led a 99 yard scoring drive as the Tigers simply physically wore down yet another opponent.  Thirteennesee was so demoralized they didn’t even attempt using 13 on defense at any point in this game.  If the LSU band would’ve seen Peyton Manning in person, they should’ve played “Neck” to taunt him.  Get it? Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeyyyyyyy Peyton…. You talkin’ out the side o’ yo’ neck!

Illinois -4 vs. Ohio St.
Predicted score: Illinois 31, Ohio St. 24          Actual score: Ohio St. 17, Illinois 7
SU: Lost; ATS: Lost

In a game reminiscent of the 1930s, Ohio St. won in a game where the Suckeye QB went an amazing 1 of 4 passing for 17 yards… and a TD.  With play like that, you would think the Germans just invaded Poland or something.

Bama -26.5 at Ole Miss (GEAUX TO HELL!)
Predicted score: Bama 38, Ole Miss 17 (GEAUX TO HELL!)          Actual score: Bama 52, Ole Miss 7
SU: Won; ATS: Lost 

Bama won their 4th national title of the year as they beat a frankly pathetic Ole Miss (GEAUX TO HELL!) team nearly to death.  Despite the win & the obligatory self-awarding of a national championship, Nick $atan’s golden calf statue was defiled, no doubt by some LSU Tigeheretics.  Keep fighting the good fight, LSU Tiger operatives everywhere! Fortuna tigris fortis!

Florida -2 at Auburn
Predicted score: Auburn 34, Florida 30          Actual score: Auburn 17, Florida 6 
SU: Won; ATS: Won


Once again, more LSUFreek genius

Bolstered by the OJ-like $cam Newton decision, Auburn went on to victory over a Floriduh team that is pretty shambolic on offense right now.  Charlie Cheeburger’s offense at one point- screenburger, screenburger, screenburger, puntsi!  The Moosechamp is about to go all Zook on this season & lose 4 (& possibly more) games this year.  It’s the 1st time Florida has lost 3 straight games in consecutive seasons since 1946-47.  Also, based on Chris Rainey’s form in this game, he is likely to be in line for an England call-up the way he kicked the ball around on punts.  Rainey for England!  The way he bobbled all those punts, I now believe he possibly texted “time to die” in error with those iffy hands of his…  Early lines aren’t out yet but the Gators might be an underdog to Open this week.  Wocka wocka wocka!

SMU -3 vs. UCF
Predicted score: SMU 34, UCF 24           Actual score: SMU 38, UCF 17
SU: Won; ATS: Won

Really, who cares other than me b/c I picked the game correctly?  Not even sure if Craig James even cares about SMU.

Weekly record- SU: 7-3; ATS: 6-4
Season record- SU: 36-14, .720; ATS: 21-29, .420


Well, The Tiiiiiiiiiiiiiigers zoomed up to the #1 with a 47-21 shellacking of the Mountaineers.  Spin your 533 total yards of offense however you want, Mountain peeples, you still lost by 26.  At home.  On National TV.  Hooray for moral victories!

Friday Game
BYU -3 vs. UCF
Predicted score:  UCF 29, BYU 27          Actual score: BYU 24, UCF 17
SU: Lost; ATS: Lost

The battle of the ethnic-sounding onomatopoeias went to the BYUs as the Cougs scored 21 points in the 2nd half to come from behind over the Golden Knights.  Which means just like in life Cougars get better in the 2nd half.
Saturday’s Games
Notre Dame -7 at Pitt
Predicted score: Notre Dame 31, Pitt 30          Actual score: Notre Dame 15, Pitt 12 
SU: Won; ATS: Won

I didn’t see this game as Urban Meyer was doing the broadcast & I really didn’t feel like getting nauseous before the big LSU-West Virginia game.

Georgia -10 at Ole Miss
Predicted score: Georgia 27, Ole Miss 24          Actual score: Georgia 27, Ole Miss 13
SU: Won; ATS: Lost

Well, ya try to give a rival some credit & think they’ll play well at home & give their opponent a close game but Ole Miss (GEAUX TO HELL!) still somehow contrived to pee in their ice-t.  AFter getting pantsed by Vandy recently Ole Miss (GEAUX TO HELL!) should thank their lucky stars Kentucky is around b/c the Wild cats are the only team that’s looked more dreadful than Ole Piss. (GEAUX TO HELL!)

Bama -12 vs. Arkansas
Predicted score: Bama 26, Arkansas 17         Actual score: Bama 38, Arkansas 14
SU: Won; ATS: Lost 

Well, one of the 1st SEC West showdowns went to the Rolling Taaaaaaahde as $aban’s defense used Tyler Wilson as targeting practice for most of the afternoon.  it was close early but then Bama pulled away with excellent 2nd & 3rd quarters which Bama awarded themselves national championships for & then completed a hat-trick of new, ridiculous accounting of national championships when $aban actually smiled (well, it was more like a smirk) in mid-season when he stayed up all night after the game listening to audio of a snuff film of Wilson’s screams under the relentless Bama pass rush.

Texas A&M -4 vs.Oklahoma St.
Predicted score: Texas A&M 38, Oklahoma St. 28          Actual score: Oklahoma St. 30, Texas A&M 29
SU: Lost; ATS: Lost

Well, A&M somehow contrived to not show up for the second half & Brandon Wheedon wobbled but he didn’t fall down & led the Pokes to come from behind victory.  As A&M snatched defeat from the jaws of victory, it allows Oklahoma St. to march on towards a Big 12-X, Where X Equals Any Whole Number Conference Championship.  This speeds up their time-table for a conference championship by several years when they had hoped to win one by default as the last remaining conference team in 2017 & playing themselves & winning.

LSU -6.5 at West Virginia
Predicted score: LSU 24, West Virginia 14          Actual score: LSU 47, West Virginia 21
SU: Won; ATS: Won 

By any metric you would like to use The Tigers beat up the Mountaineers by the tune of a 26 point victory.  That didn’t stop Mountaineer fans, who are clearly hard up for program attention & recognition, to spin a nearly 4 TD loss as a moral victory b/c of 533 yards of total offense.  However, much to the chagrin (sorry, West Virginia, look the word up) of the Mountaineers let’s take a look at LSU-West Virginia by the numbers:

0 – the # of times a team that has had fewer points than their opponents have ever won a football game
0 – the # of times teams with more yardage but fewer points than their opponents have ever won a football game
0 – the # of times teams that do the above 2 feats will ever win a football game in the future
0 – the # of Honey Badgers that play for West Virginia
0 – the # of fake injuries by LSU against West Virginia
1 – the # of Honey Badgers that play for LSU
21 – the # of points West Virginia scored
26 – LSU’s margin of victory
47 – the # of points LSU scored
X – the # of points that West Virginia think they should’ve scored to win the game
254,433 – # of Mountaineers that are delusional to think that a 26 point loss at home can be spun as a moral victory
296,986 – # of Mountaineers that actually think they won the game
405,677 – # of Mountaineers that think “Fuck all this noise, let’s burn couches”
4,234,765 – the # of F-bombs that Dana Holgerson dropped on National TV
All-Day – The time that LSU & Tyrann Mathieu, Honey Badger was better than West Virginia

So in summation, people who think a 26 point defeat can be spun as a moral victory deserve a baby facepalm:

Stick to burning coaches, John Brown

Weekly Record: SU: 4-2; ATS: 2-4
Season Record: SU: 16-9, .640; ATS: 9-16, .360

Well, after hitting the Thursday & Friday game double, I thought Chuckles/Curtísimo was going to have a good week but much like his beloved Arsenal of the English Premier League on Saturday morning, a bright start was only a prelude to a second half that was shambolic & full of downright suckitude.

However, there was the golden nugget of sunshine that was the 30-7 Vandy ownination of Ole Miss (GEAUX TO HELL OLE MISS!).  Vandy, alas, was just a mere few minutes away from their 1st shutout since Lyndon B. Kennedy was President or something but Ole Miss (Geaux to Hell Ole Miss!) scored on a late TD scored by Trent Lott.  The 23-point margin of victory is also the biggest margin of victory for Vandy over an SEC opponent since a 49-19 victory over Moo St. when Otis Nixon was President.

Overall records going into Week 3
Straight Up (SU): 7-5, .583
Against The Spread (ATS): 5-7, .417

Thursday’s Game
LSU -4.5 at Moo St.
Predicted Score: LSU 27, Moo St. 20          Actual Score: LSU 19, Moo St. 6
Straight up: Won; Against the spread: Won 

Moo St. didn’t end up finding love against LSU.  Indeed, in about as dominating as a 19-6 win could be, the Moo Staters found an LSU defense that was not only “fucking hostile” but a bunch of “nasty boys” too.  (Thanks for the link, Les).  In fact, Moo St.’s offense looked like someone who had been trampled under hoof by a herd of crusher destroyers.  “Where strides the behemoth?,” you may ask yourself.  Well, this past Thursday it strode through Starkvegas in the form of some purple & gold sadistic, prehistoric robo-beast.  A giant tiger.  That was part Mastodon.  A Tigerdon.  Perhaps a Mastiger.  A Mastiger that feeds daily on ligers, Napoleon Dynamite.

Get used to gratuitous metal references of LSU’s defense all season long  as that’s what playing LSU’s defense is like- being stuck for 4 hours in a mosh pit in a European heavy metal music festival & being bludgeoned both physical & mentally.

Have good Mosh-Pitting!

Friday’s Game
Boise St. -20.5 at Toledo
Predicted score: Boise St. 41, Toledo 17          Actual score: Boise St. 40, Toledo 15
SU: Won; ATS: Won 

Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaawn.  So the only thing noteworthy about this game is I think I heard on ESPN that Kellen Moore won the Heisman during it.  So if any of you have a Heisman vote, go ahead & don’t waster your time voting because it’s apparently been done already.  Never mind that Tyrann Mathieu is the best damn player in all of college football.  But everybody go ahead & keep thinking the Heisman is fucking relevant.  Would love to see somebody like Moore have to face SEC defenses every week. Blah blah blah Georgia, yeah whatever.  Have him face Bama & LSU’s secondaries & get back to me.  Perhaps either one could paint the Superdome’s turf blue with the blood of Broncos in the BCS title game in January.

Saturday’s Games
Clemson -3.5 vs. Auburn
Predicted score: Clemson 31, Auburn 30          Actual Score: Clemson 38, Auburn 24
SU: Won; ATS: Lost 

The beginning of the end for the Crystal Asterisk kingdom?  Auburn’s luck finally ran out on Saturday & frankly, their defense was shredded, yet again.  It does not bode well for their SEC outlook long-term.  In fact, if Auburn may end up doing so poorly people will quickly revert to the “Chiznik” interpretation of Coach Chizik’s name.

Notre Dame -4.5 vs. Michigan St.
Predicted score: Michigan St. 28, Notre Dame 24          Actual score: Notre Dame 31, Michigan St. 13
SU: Lost; ATS: Lost

Sportwriters’ nipples across the country were hard with Notre Dame bromance love since the Irish actually won a game.  And over a ranked opponent too.  So at 1-2 I think this qualifies Notre Dame for a BCS berth in some subtle bowl contractual clause.  The one where it says Notre Dame bromance wins are worth 4 for every other school.  Just think if Saban coached at Notre Dame?  The sportwriters would never write another article because they would be too busy masturbating to the ultimate football dream- the iconic school (the only time people aren’t afraid of Catholics!) & the archetype coach (he’s like The Bear with better hair!).

Florida -9 vs. Tennessee
Predicted score: Florida 23, Tennessee 21          Actual score: Florida 33, Tennesee 23 
SU: Won; ATS: Lost 

Well, as much as the officials tried to keep this one close for me with Florida’s 843 PI penalties, Tennessee just wouldn’t be outdone with their mega, Costco-like savings combo of 1312 missed tackles & 667 dropped passes.  Tyler Bray’s got moxie, I’ll give him that.  Actually Ted Williams will give him Moxie.

Ted Williams says, "Drink Moxie," Jortsy

USC -17 vs. Syracuse
Predicted score: USC 20, Syracuse 14          Actual score: USC 38, Syracuse 17 
SU: Won; ATS: Lost 

No, Lane, relax.  Moxie isn’t what you have.  You have a different kind of bravado, a different kind of braggadocio.  You have what experts call “doucheness.”  In fact, you may be the Douchiest Man In The World.  Lane Kiffin: “I don’t always drink beer.  But when I do, I prefer Douche Equis.”

Miami (Fla.) -3 vs. Ohio St. 
Predicted score: Ohio St. 34, Miami (Fla.) 24          Actual score: Miami (Fla.) 24, Ohio St. 6
SU: Lost; ATS: Lost

The IneligiBowl goes to Da U!  Gee whiz, did the Ohio St. look pathetic.  They had something paltry like 23 yards until 2 completions on the final 2 plays that jacked that total up to like 50.  Jacory Harris still sucks though.  He’s like the college football version of Tony Romo.  If he played somewhere like say, oh, I don’t know, Kentucky, you would never hear the end of how bad he plays.  But since he’s a QB at Da U, he “fights through adversity,” “he’s a ‘gamer’.”  You know what a gamer is?  A guy who sucks.  It ain’t adversity when you create 3 adversities per game.  Adversity is what happens to you, not what you cause yourself.  Those are called mistakes.

PS Have you heard of Curtísimo’s Tony Romo Theory of Over-Hypedness (TRTOH)? The TRTOH is when a player gets elevated to a certain status or talent level just because of the team he plays on by the media & not his actual talent level.  I.e. QBs in Dallas, regardless of how many times they shit the bed are viewed better than say a QB in Detroit or St. Louis, etc.  
Records Following Week 3
Weekly Record- SU: 5-2; ATS: 2-5
Overall Record- SU: 12-7, .632; ATS: 7-12, .368

Mints to mask the taste of some funky nuggetz

So, Nuggeteers, Week 1 resulted in only 4 picked games due to your intrepid & annoying leader, Curtísimo du Chuckles, not sure how this venture will shake out.  Week 1 in College Foosball saw plenty of horrid uniforms unleashed on an unsuspecting public & several games called due to inclement weather, including yesterday’s “Coal Bowl” between Marshall & West Virginia [though Wiki says the Coal Bowl is contested between the 2 Pennsylvania schools named after states, California (Pa.) & Indiana (Pa.)].  The symbolic gesture of the Coal Bowl being shut down, was no doubt cheered in the far fringe of the Green movement, even though those knuckleheads still don’t understand where the majority of our electricity in this country comes from.  But I digress…

My picks this past week were kind of like Green energy in it’s current state- a lot of promise but not very efficient, so far.

Mississippi St. -30 at Memphis
Predicted score: 38-14, Moo St.         Actual score: 59-14, Moo St.
Won, straight up; Lost, against the spread

Mississippi St. led by Black Tebow & Dan Mullen’s super whizbang Addazio-proof spread ran & threw all over Memphis in an offensive output not seen in Starkville since Will Clark & Rafael Palmeiro prowled the baseball diamond for the ‘Dawgs in the late 80s.  As a Tigah fan the Moo St. game worries me a good bit now even with them coming off of a short week following next week’s SEC Spread Bowl versus Awburn.

“Chris Relf- better form than Tebow!”

TCU -4.5 at Baylor
Predicted score: TCU, 34-24          Actual score: Baylor, 50-48
Lost, SU; Lost, ATS 

There wasn’t this many fireworks in Waco since the Branch Davidian compound invasion mentioned in the picks.  Robert Griffin threw like 19 TDs in the 1st half but costly penalties & an overall “shit-the-bed”ness style of play almost cost the Bears the game late on.  But Baylor kicked a field goal late to save Baylor’s Bacon.  Mmmmmmm, bacon.

David Koresh: “If we would’ve had Robert Griffin at Branch David, we would’ve beaten the ATF”

Kansas St. -27.5 vs. Eastern Kentucky
Predicted score: EcoKats, 38-10         Actual score: EcoKats, 10-7
Won, SU; Lost, ATS 

Good god.  This weekend had plenty of bad uniforms, bad weather stopping games & bad teams making bigger schools look, bad mmmmkay?  The EcoKats lived up to their new energy saving mascot & conserved all their energy for the 4th quarter when they scored ten to top Eastern Kentucky.  Get it?  Conserved energy?  Wocka wocka wocka

Moments after this picture was taken, EcoKat & Willie drove a Suburban 2 blocks to get some coffee

Oregon -4 vs. LSU at JerryWorld
Predicted score: Oregon 26-23          Actual score: LSU, 40-27
Lost, SU; Won, ATS 

“Keep sending your geniuses.  Their tears taste like taffy.”

Duck Spread 3.0? FAIL!  “The Ducks will wear down LSU’s defense.” FAIL!  “The Ducks will line up & run plays & the defense can’t keep up.”  FAIL!  “The SEC hasn’t seen the kind of speed LaMichael James & Kenjon Barner will provide Oregon.”  FAIL!  You’re right.  You know why ESPN hasn’t seen speed like Barner & James regularly?  B/c that kind of speed in the SEC is on the club quidditch team!  Once again, the Hat adorned idiot hands another coaching genius his ass.  The Heisman will once again go to some schmuck offensive player but you people- yes, I said you people- need to watch Tyrann Mathieu on every play.  He ain’t the walrus but he is the honey badger!  To quote a fellow poster at

oblong leather objects with laces gravitate towards Tyrann Mathieu in a way that science can’t explain.”

So, Week 1 ends with a 2-2 W-L record SU & 1-3 ATS.  Sucktastic!