Somewhat Rambletastic Week 7 Tasty Nuggetz

Spectacle.  Theatre.  Tragedy.  Comedy.  Like Life, such is LSU Football.  Never was that on display more than last year’s Tennessee near-debacle.  Well, let’s be fair.  Initially it was a debacle.  A debacle that abruptly turned into a victory which ripped the hearts out of Tennessee fans, players & coaches.  So much so for Derek Dooley that he was seen calling for the wahmbulance in his post game press conference last year.  Bottom line last year was, Tennessee had 13 players on the field & in the clip you can clearly see the Vols substituting AFTER LSU’s substitution package came on the field.

People can bitch all they want about LSU & Les Miles being “lucky.”  Obviously, these twits never grew up watching Notre Dame football or hearing their stories.  That whole “luck of the Irish” thing ring a bell?  Notre Dame parlayed luck into being the iconic program they are today.  Anybody who wouldn’t want to be “lucky,”  I have 2 things to say to you: A) you’re stupid & 2) you’re really stupid.

The thing about Coach Miles that mortals don’t get with all their complaints of “clock management issues” was this- never mind he has a giant Hatload full of come from behind 4th quarter & last second victories but that those complaints of “clock management” were the din of uninformed, linear thinkers stuck on an archaic concept of time.  Those silly little clock complaints were just that- silly.  They happen to a lot of coaches & they happen more often than people want to think.

A clock is such a dull-witted 3D-universe object anyway.  Les Miles is on a quantum level, baby.  He’s operating in a multi-dimensional multiverse.  When you realize that Les Miles knows the TRUTH- “time” as we know it, is nothing but an abstract concept created by carbon based lifeforms to monitor their ongoing decay– you finally begin to understand that like Jon Snow, you know nothing…

But you do know Teh Nuggetz are coming!…

Thursday Game
USC -3 at Cal 
Maaaaaaaaan, you guys remember when we had to hear incessantly about the greatness of USC?  Lemme tell you I thoroughly enjoy the delicious, schadenfreudic irony that a school like USC from the West Coast gets slapped with major probation violations whilst the conference always accused of cheating, the SEC, just rolls on like the Behemoth it is & continues to Conquer All.  Maybe USC is really USeC? (rimshot)          USC 26, Cal 20 

Saturday Games
Michigan  St. -1.5 vs. Michigan
Picture if you will, a young Curtísimo, circa 1984-1992.  Skinny & short but athletic & still blessed with anger of the wolf.  This game for the battle of the Boxing Glove-shaped state was one of the big games of the year for that little ball of hate.  Now… not so much.  Though Denard Robinson is fun to watch.  And I still dig the Wolverines’ helmets & to this day could still rattle of numerous Wolverines players including many of which even Wolverine fans probably have long forgotten such as Todd Plate & Thomas Wilcher.  Chris Zurbrugg & J. P. Oosterbaan.  Oh wait, Oosterbaan played basketball though his grandaddy was big in Wolverine football annals…          Michigan 28, Michigan St. 27

South Carolina -2.5 at Moo State
Stephen Garcia was finally dismissed from the ‘Cocks by the ‘Ol Ball Coach yesterday for violations of terms set by the coaches following his previous suspension(s).  Which is coach-speak for “we caught the bastard all drunk & doped up AGAIN.”  About his dismissal, Garcia was quoted as saying he was “shocked & totally flabbergasted.”  Which is Garcia-speak for ,”what the fuck? That detox tea was supposed to get rid of all that shit.”          South Carolina 21, Mississippi St. 20

Oklahoma St. -7.5 at Texas
Mack Brown…. LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL.  Texas looks to rebound, or scrape themselves off the turf as it were, lest they get the Oklahoma double done on them.  No, that’s not some sex move, or maybe it is.  If not somebody should make one up & put it up on urbandictionary.com.  Maybe Mack Brown can take charge of Tulane again if their Big 12-X rumored membership goes through.          Oklahoma St. 37, Texas 27

Tulane -1 vs. UTEP
Speaking of Tulane & their possible Big 12-X membership, we’ll include them in Teh Nuggetz this week.  Mainly so I can make a quip about if Tulane joins the Big 12-X perhaps they’ll actually able to put 40,000 in the 65,000 seat Superdome instead of their usual 20-25,000.   Excuse me, the Mercedes-Benz Superdome.     Do you wanna ride in my Mercedes Superdome, UTEP?     Tulane 33, UTEP 30

LSU -17 at Tennessee
see above intro paragraphs          LSU 30, Tennessee 14 

Vol mega-fans, Junior & Lulu, & Derek Dooley plead to Spinal Tap to come teach them how to count to 11

Illinois -4 vs. Ohio St.
Don’t look now, but the Fightin’ Zookers are 6-0!  While Floriduh is 4-2.  Yes, Jeremy, Illinois being 6-0 with [COACH REDACTED] is irony.  Maybe they could change the name to Fightin’ Ironi?  Get it?  Get it?! GET IT?!  Is this thing on?  Which is what Suckeye fans are no doubt asking this year as they have a real shot at opening Big 10+X play at 0-3 if they lose to the Fightin’ Ironi.          Illinois 31, Ohio St. 24

Bama -26.5 at Ole Miss (GEAUX TO HELL!)
Randall Mackey of Ole Miss (GEAUX TO HELL!) said that Bama’s defense aren’t gods, they’re just Bama.  or something to that effect.  Unfortunately for Mackey & Ole Miss (GEAUX TO HELL!) they don’t have to be to beat Ole Miss Black Bears (GEAUX TO HELL, BEARS!).  Pachydermis Sabanensis rolls on again but without covering.  How many Bama fans think it’s sacrilege that Ole Miss (GEAUX TO HELL!) uses a Bear?  “Ther’us ownly wo-one Beayur, boy & that’us the Beayur, Pawwwl Beayur Bryyyant, son.”          Bama 38, Ole Miss (GEAUX TO HELL!) 17

I think I saw the one on the left working a PGA tour event before.

Florida -2 at Auburn
Damn, it’s good to be Chris Rainey.  Or maybe it’s damn it’s good to be delusional like Chris Rainey.  After getting thumped back-to-back by Bama & LSU, Rainey still thinks Florida was better.  Which is funny b/c as you can see from the stats on that page, the only tough defense Rainey has run consistently run well on is the Gainesville Police Department.  “Time to die!”  Rainey was seen texting this to Floriduh’s season on Sunday evening.  Luckily, for the Gators no matter the outcome of their remaining games, Rainey thinks they’ll be better than everybody.                Auburn 34, Florida 30 = we was better in Chris Rainey’s head

SMU -3 vs. UCF 
Why did I pick this game?  So I can make a couple of stupid puns.  UCF would be “fuck” in Pig Latin while SMU has been some SMUth operators of late.  Do you get that last pun, Sadé?  If you don’t get it maybe you can search coast to coast, LA to Chicago; across the north & south, to Key Largo.  Oh you see?  Curtísimo ain’t all about the metal.  What does Sadé have to do with SMU & UCF?  Absolutely nothing.  But then again, the song clip that ends this blog post will have even less to do with anything…          SMU 34, UCF 24

Narwhals! Narwhals! Why? Why not?!

Tasty Nuggetz, Week 6; Thursday & Friday Games

Thursday
Oregon -24 vs. Cal
Since Oregon getting semi-pwnanated at the hands of LSU, they have reeled off three straight victories where they got back to their near point-a-minute ways running their record to 3-1.  Cal also comes in at 3-1.  But as you can see by the line, Vegas doesn’t think Cal’s 3-1 is up to snuff.  I’m sure Berkeley probably thinks that Vegas is in on the whole Oregon/Nike sweatshop slavery trade conspiracy & might seek an injunction from the 9th Circuit Federal Court to grant them this victory over the Ducks.  Just sue it! vs. Just do it!          Oregon 49, California 30

Keep sewing, Mai Lin.  Keep sewing.

Friday
Boise St. -21 at Fresno St.
A few years ago this would’ve been a semi-marquee game.  A marquee game for sure amongst mid-majors.  Which reminds me, are there low-majors?  If so, who are they?  I-A/FBS schools?  JV squads?  Scout teams?  Anyway, I don’t know much about Fresno this year other than I’m sure people still don’t go there.  Right, Fletch?  We all know how good Kellen Moore has turned out for Boise.  I stress for Boise.  He was “only” the 36th ranked QB coming out of high school & was “only” a 3-star by Rivals.  Can you imagine Rantards going apeshit over him?  “Dood! WTF?! Why is Less Miles’ Dummyhead recruiting only 3 starz, doods?!  I ain’t get nothing but 4 & 5 stars on NCAA Xbox, yo! [Geaux Tigers emoticon]”  Anyway, Kellen Moore certainly wasn’t recruited at the time for his looks.  Go ugly 3-star recruit!         Boise St. 41, Fresno St. 21

Broncos don’t have claws, honey.

Week 5 Tasty Nuggetz

Wookie.  Wookie.  Wookie.  Oof.  Wookiewookiewookiewookiewookiewookiewookiewookiewookiewookiewookie.  Oof.

‘What’s up with all the wookies, Curtísimo,’ you might ask?  Well, I’m hungover & it feels like wookies used my head for a soccer ball.  The goal that Nagraoao scored from 30 yards out, while a beaut, hurt like the dickens when my head rang off the crossbar & crept over the line.

Anyway…. to the Nuggetz!

Texas A&M -3 at Arkansas
Arkansas gets the soon-to-be-SEC Aggies following a week where they got battered & bruised pretty good against Bama.  Fair play to Tyler Wilson though as he kept picking himself off the mat, so I think being at home against A&M it’ll be enough to survive this week as he only receives a part-beating.  The Aggies meanwhile will no doubt enjoy making better acquaintance with a school that will be their perpetual program level brethren following their future SEC entry.  Seriously, Aggies, welcome & all but if you can’t win a Big 12 title, you think you’re going to step into winning titles in the SEC?  Good luck with that.          Arkansas 31, Texas A&M 27

LSU -30.5 vs. Kentucky
Woooooooooooo, boyeee, man dem Tigahs looked good last week, yards given up schmards given up.  People really need to take off the blinders sometimes & maybe they wouldn’t have missed the fact LSU kicked West Virginia in the head beat West Virginia’s ass.  Now, da Tigahs come home to Tigah Stadium for their SEC home opener after facing a tough September slate where they knocked off 3 ranked opponents on the road (for the purposes of chest-thumping, the JerraWorld game is being counted as a road game).  They face a Kentucky team that has looked downright awful this year.  Even worse than historical Vandy kind of awful which is pretty awful.  Finally, JJ Headkicker is back for the Tigers which, of course, sent LSU’s Aryan QB Fan Club immediately into catastrophe mode with fears of distractions, chemistry upsetting & black people in general.  Wake up, dipshits.  You might miss the great season LSU is about to have.  If I have to suffer an 8:20 AM kickoff, you can freaking deal with an experienced player coming back to a team that wanted him back.  Shocking concept I know, but it is what is, Rantards.          LSU 45, Kentucky 10

PS In your weekly Honey Badger news, Mo Isom is a babe. Honey Badger for Heisman, Mo Isom for Hawtsman!

Ohio St. -3 vs. Michigan St.
The Ohio St. plays MSU North in a game that I really don’t care about.  The Ohio St. isn’t as fun to make fun of now that their closeted serial killer Sweater Vest Man is gone.  I’m sure he received a couple of Buckeye helmet stickers for knowingly covering up NCAA violations, however.  Still funny how the Buckeyes got that special one game reprieve for the Sugar Bowl b/c, well, heh heh, the ascot & smoking jacket-wearing men who really run the world needed to make more tv money.  Yes, I stole that last joke from EDSBS but as Spencer would no doubt tell you, “it belongs to the world now.”          Ohio St. 31, Michigan St. 24

Bama -4 at Florida
Prepare for the Bama beat down Gators.  Ya little mighty mite running backs have looked stellar against Kerplockestan International, Lilliputian Atlantic, Trashessee & Sucktucky but now you’re facing the Houndstoothed Pachyderms.  What tricks will $aban & his defense have for Charlie Cheeseburger’s offense?  Or will there be any tricks at all & Bama will just bludgeon them with all the subtlety of a massive hammer?  Then again, Bama’s o-line has some questions & UF’s defensive line may be licking their chops; their reptilian, medulla oblongata, pea-brained chops.          Bama 30, Florida 20

Wisconsin -10 vs. Nebraska
Some peeples are already hyping  this game up as preview of the inaugural Big Ten 10 + X Championship Game.  Nebraska is just hoping they don’t get the shit kicked out of them in Wisconsin.  Wisconsin has been impressive with their light schedule so far & flying a bit under the radar a bit nationally.  Their acquisition of NC State transfer, Russell Wilson, has turned up trumps for them so far but Saturday will be the Badgers’ 1st real test.   Wisconsin indeed is likely tougher than Czechoslovakia though, mainly b/c Czechoslovakia doesn’t even exist anymore.       Wisconsin 28, Nebraska 27  

Tasty Nuggetz, Week 4!

Hey! Guess what!  I forgot my sheet again!  So I’ll just wing it & try to remember what I had planned.  I don’t know why I plan anything anyway.  None of my plans ever seem to pan out.  I mean plans are for rich people like Warren Buffet’s secretary anyway, I suppose.

But Week 4 is one of the last weeks before most people get into the meat & potatoes & their conference schedules which are soon to be SUPER CONFERENCES (epic booming echoing voice).  It’ll be like a college football Hall of Justice!  With SUPER CONFERENCES  (epic booming echoing voice).  This fall on saturday mornings on NBC! Check your local listings.

Friday’s Game
BYU  -3 vs. UCF
Did anybody ever notice that UCF if you were to say the abbreviation phonetically sounds like an onomatopoeia?  Well, maybe an onomatopoeia in German or some Scandinavian language like Swedenese or Norwegish.  Try it out. [Sven] “Hey Rolf, did you see the size of the reindeer?” (reindeer runs over Rolf) [Rolf] “Ucf! You bet your flergin durgasbergens I did.”  Meanwhile BYU sounds like it would be an onomatopoeia for when a Cajun smells some ripe carcass.  [Oleyfus] “Byuuuuuuu, boy, you smell dat?  Smells like somebody killed by da Mormon Mafia, meh yeh.”          UCF 29, BYU 27

Mormon mafia- never go against the family.  All 143 members of it.

Saturday’s Games
Notre Dame -7 at Pitt
Notre Dame won last week!  So with a record of 1-2, if it were 1990, Notre Dame would be ranked #7 in the country.  Thankfully, at least in college football terms, we don’t live in those days anymore.  It always struck me as funny everyone’s love for Notre Dame.  Oh, yeah, a Catholic football power is great but you put one on the seat of President & KAPOW!, he gets assassinated by the mob/communists/CIA/shape-shifting lizard aliens/B1G commissioner Delaney/whomever.   There, that should keep me on the domestic terror watch list for the 18th week in a row.          Notre Dame 31, Pitt 30

Georgia -10 at Ole Miss
Speaking of shape-shifting lizards, it’s about high time Houston Nutt shape-shifts back to Giggity from Nutthead.  Ole Miss (GEAUX TO HELL!) got absolutely pantsed by Vandy last week.  They looked absolutely dreadful… against Vandy.  Nutt is likely dead man walking at the end of this year & since I made a JFK reference in the last pick, it’s a nice segue to let you know that the last time Ole Miss (GEAUX TO HELL!) won an SEC or National title, JFK was president.  I’ll let that sink in fer yas a moment. (snickers) Across the sidelines is another coach who is on the hot seat / dead man walking list in Mark Richt.  The winner of this game may be able to stave off their mid-season execution until the end of the year.  Or maybe not.  But these teams are shite right now but Georgia has more momentum at the moment since they were pantsed by Vandy last week.          Georgia 27, Ole Miss 24

Giggity giggity!! Goo goo goo!! Giggity giggity!! Goo goo goo!!

Bama -12 vs. Arkansas
Bama is favored by 12 over one of the team supposedly going to challenge for the SEC West crown?!  Really?  What does Vegas know that we don’t?  Well, actually a lot most likely but that line seems really high to me.  I mean, I know a lot of people out there have mancrushes & bromances on Nick $atan but if Vegas is falling for it, I am really worried.  Color me skepicible & a Bama-hater but I’m all over Arkansas & the points like a defensive lineman is on Jay Cutler.          Bama 26, Arkansas 17

Texas A&M -4 vs. Oklahoma St.
Future SECers take on T. Boone Pickens’ Cowpokes in College Station.  This is a game that the winner of likely sets them up for a winner-take-all Big 12 – X, Where X Equals Any Whole Number Conference showdown with Oklahoma.  Okie St. has given up points in abundance so far this season & the Aggies are, well, I don’t know really.  I haven’t seen the Aggies play yet so I’m just taking a flyer on them since Okie St.’s D this year has been crap this year.  Not quite Arsenal of the EPL kind of crap but crap nonetheless.  Luckily for them they can put up points in bunches.  Man I like me dat Honey Bunches Of Oats cereal.          Texas A&M 38, Oklahoma St. 28

LSU -6.5 at West Virginia
Maaaaaaan, it’s so disappointing that West Virginia made couch burning a felony.  I mean that’s like not letting Irish people dance a jig.  Or letting Appalachian mountain folk not make moonshine.  Or not letting politicians rip everybody off.  I mean people will do what they will do.  I just hope people don’t burn The Hat’s hat in effigy if the Mountaineers pull off the win.  B/c you know they’ll be jacked up for this one since: A.  they’re nutty like SEC to begin with & will want to show they can beat an SEC big boy & 2. those mountain folk are a bit queer anyway.  Just think how hopping mad they’ll be if Obama follows through on his threat to kill the coal industry!  Not sure how that’ll work since the majority of our country’s electricity is produced by burning coal.  Boooooooooooooo, where’s the awful jokes, Curtísimo?  We want awful jokes over awful political commentary.  Winter is coming!  For everybody it seems not just House Stark of Winterfell.          LSU 24, West Virginia 14

What you looking at?  This is how I heat my house now the coal industry gonna go belly up.

Ooh! Speaking of House Stark, A Song Of Ice And Fire fans will like that in the Carling Cup in England on Tuesday evening that the Starks finally got one over on the Lannisters as Wolverhampton Wanderers, commonly known as Wolves, beat the Lions of Millwall, 5-0! Take dat you incestuous, scheming Lannisters! THE KING IN THE NORTH!

What a crazy time we live in… a Southron lad like meself pledging fealty to a Northman!  Then again, The Hat is a “Northman” anyway. Well, that’s your lot for this week.  So, now if you’ll excuse me I have to go get ignored by several womens on the dating site.