God Bless College Football Fans With Too Much Time On Their Hands

A football political movement or a subtle sexual reference? 

You’ve heard of Occupy Wall Street.  Now, apparently some SEC fan with a wee bit too much time on his hands (& bless him for it!) has created a mock of the Commie Hippy movement with Occupy Herbstreit.

My particular favorite sign is the “our economy is crashing at SEC speed.”  Although “Radiohead wouldn’t play in the Big East either” is pretty obtuse & clever humor if you ask me.  Even if you don’t ask me, it’s obtuse & clever.

Like Occupy Wall Street, I’m sure Occupy Herbstreit has an incoherent & disjointed message.  My guesses at their grievances would be:

* For Boise State to get a shot at the BCS title game, so they can lose & shut the fuck up once & for all.
* To have a redistribution of BCS titles & tax the rich SEC at greater rates with scholarship reductions b/c of their complete dominance of the SEC
* Nick $aban is to be brought up on corruption charges (along with charges that his hair is too perfect)
* Kirk Herbstreit is to broadcast games for the rest of the year without verbally fellating teams or face fines & jail time.
* An oversight subcommittee with virtually no expertise is to be created to choose the participants of the BCS title game

Wait a minute…. that last bullet point already exists… derp derp.

Honey Badger Weekly Update!

Here’s the Kentucky update for all your Honey Badger Mania:

Confirmed journalists who are on the Honey Badger for Heisman bandwagon or are eyeing tickets for it:

Bruce Feldman, CBS Sports.
Kirk Herbstreit, ESPN.
Herb Kirkstreit, ESPN fictional.
Chuck Norris, Internet God Pantheon
Nyan Cat Original, International Association of Internet Phenomena
Nyan Cat Smooth Jazz, International Association of Internet Phenomena
Star Wars Kid, International Association of Internet Phenomena
Andre Ware, SEC Network.

Hell, even warren25smash likes the Honey Badger!  And that little Iran-loving bastard doesn’t like anything!

After Dinner Mintz For Week 4

Well, The Tiiiiiiiiiiiiiigers zoomed up to the #1 with a 47-21 shellacking of the Mountaineers.  Spin your 533 total yards of offense however you want, Mountain peeples, you still lost by 26.  At home.  On National TV.  Hooray for moral victories!

Friday Game
BYU -3 vs. UCF
Predicted score:  UCF 29, BYU 27          Actual score: BYU 24, UCF 17
SU: Lost; ATS: Lost

The battle of the ethnic-sounding onomatopoeias went to the BYUs as the Cougs scored 21 points in the 2nd half to come from behind over the Golden Knights.  Which means just like in life Cougars get better in the 2nd half.
Saturday’s Games
Notre Dame -7 at Pitt
Predicted score: Notre Dame 31, Pitt 30          Actual score: Notre Dame 15, Pitt 12 
SU: Won; ATS: Won

I didn’t see this game as Urban Meyer was doing the broadcast & I really didn’t feel like getting nauseous before the big LSU-West Virginia game.

Georgia -10 at Ole Miss
Predicted score: Georgia 27, Ole Miss 24          Actual score: Georgia 27, Ole Miss 13
SU: Won; ATS: Lost

Well, ya try to give a rival some credit & think they’ll play well at home & give their opponent a close game but Ole Miss (GEAUX TO HELL!) still somehow contrived to pee in their ice-t.  AFter getting pantsed by Vandy recently Ole Miss (GEAUX TO HELL!) should thank their lucky stars Kentucky is around b/c the Wild cats are the only team that’s looked more dreadful than Ole Piss. (GEAUX TO HELL!)

Bama -12 vs. Arkansas
Predicted score: Bama 26, Arkansas 17         Actual score: Bama 38, Arkansas 14
SU: Won; ATS: Lost 

Well, one of the 1st SEC West showdowns went to the Rolling Taaaaaaahde as $aban’s defense used Tyler Wilson as targeting practice for most of the afternoon.  it was close early but then Bama pulled away with excellent 2nd & 3rd quarters which Bama awarded themselves national championships for & then completed a hat-trick of new, ridiculous accounting of national championships when $aban actually smiled (well, it was more like a smirk) in mid-season when he stayed up all night after the game listening to audio of a snuff film of Wilson’s screams under the relentless Bama pass rush.

Texas A&M -4 vs.Oklahoma St.
Predicted score: Texas A&M 38, Oklahoma St. 28          Actual score: Oklahoma St. 30, Texas A&M 29
SU: Lost; ATS: Lost

Well, A&M somehow contrived to not show up for the second half & Brandon Wheedon wobbled but he didn’t fall down & led the Pokes to come from behind victory.  As A&M snatched defeat from the jaws of victory, it allows Oklahoma St. to march on towards a Big 12-X, Where X Equals Any Whole Number Conference Championship.  This speeds up their time-table for a conference championship by several years when they had hoped to win one by default as the last remaining conference team in 2017 & playing themselves & winning.

LSU -6.5 at West Virginia
Predicted score: LSU 24, West Virginia 14          Actual score: LSU 47, West Virginia 21
SU: Won; ATS: Won 

By any metric you would like to use The Tigers beat up the Mountaineers by the tune of a 26 point victory.  That didn’t stop Mountaineer fans, who are clearly hard up for program attention & recognition, to spin a nearly 4 TD loss as a moral victory b/c of 533 yards of total offense.  However, much to the chagrin (sorry, West Virginia, look the word up) of the Mountaineers let’s take a look at LSU-West Virginia by the numbers:

0 – the # of times a team that has had fewer points than their opponents have ever won a football game
0 – the # of times teams with more yardage but fewer points than their opponents have ever won a football game
0 – the # of times teams that do the above 2 feats will ever win a football game in the future
0 – the # of Honey Badgers that play for West Virginia
0 – the # of fake injuries by LSU against West Virginia
1 – the # of Honey Badgers that play for LSU
21 – the # of points West Virginia scored
26 – LSU’s margin of victory
47 – the # of points LSU scored
X – the # of points that West Virginia think they should’ve scored to win the game
254,433 – # of Mountaineers that are delusional to think that a 26 point loss at home can be spun as a moral victory
296,986 – # of Mountaineers that actually think they won the game
405,677 – # of Mountaineers that think “Fuck all this noise, let’s burn couches”
4,234,765 – the # of F-bombs that Dana Holgerson dropped on National TV
All-Day – The time that LSU & Tyrann Mathieu, Honey Badger was better than West Virginia

So in summation, people who think a 26 point defeat can be spun as a moral victory deserve a baby facepalm:

Stick to burning coaches, John Brown

Weekly Record: SU: 4-2; ATS: 2-4
Season Record: SU: 16-9, .640; ATS: 9-16, .360

So, How ‘Bout That Honey Badger?

Pretty Badass indeed, Sir!

As I mentioned in a previous post, Tyrann Mathieu, who is soon to be known nationally as the Honey Badger put on another fantastic display of ballhawking & creating turnovers & should be a Heisman contender.  Sorry, Mountaineers, Mathieus fumble strip & deflected pass & INT weren’t turnovers given to us except in only the most myopic & biased definition of turnovers.

I honestly believe he is, or should I say should be, the frontrunner for the Heisman Trophy if the Heisman were actually about what it’s claim is- to be given to the “best player in college football.”  However, historically the Heisman usually amounts to nothing more than an offensive fanboi award.  It’ll likely end up being given to the likes of Andrew Luck but if Heisman voters take the time to watch the Honey Badger & look beyond gaudy stat lines that normally blind people with their shininess, they might see what myself & a lot of my LSU brethren see- the bizarro, how-the-hell-does-he-do-it-OMG-I-can’t-believe-he-just-did-that-again ability of taking the ball from his opponents.

And, sorry Mountaineers.  I know you couldn’t stand Mathieu’s trash talking throughout the game & his preening on the sidelines but hey, when you’re a fucking phenomenon that might be transcending the sport itself, you’re allowed to be a bit mouthy & arrogant.

And, yes, LSU gave up 533 yards of offense & 463 yards of passing to the Mountaineers but that’s only b/c it was the will of the Honey Badger to be so & the Honey Badger’s will, thy be done.  Amen.  In nomine Patris, et Filii, et SpiritusMellivora capensis.

I’m reading a lot on the interwebz about Mathieu may be NFL ready right now but I’m not so sure.  I’m not sure only b/c he may even bypass the NFL altogether  & go straight into service alongside Chuck Norris protecting humanity from the dangers of the cosmos.  Coming to SyFy this fall, The Galactic Defenders Chronicles, the stories of Chuck Norris & the Honey Badger.

But for now The Honey Badger has his own Heisman Facebook page & a Mathieu for Heisman Twitter feed which also reminds me, if any of you twits Twitter then you can tweet me at my twatty Twitter twit feed.

Finally, someone’s made a new Mathieu Honey Badger video too:

‘Til next time Nuggeteers, HONEY BADGER DOESN’T GIVE A SHIT!

UPDATE: Tyrann Mathieu the Honey Badger has been named National Defensive Player of the Week (following Mo Claiborne last week; 2 weeks in a row an LSU Tiger has been honored).  Heisman, here comes the Honey Badger!

Resistance to the Honey Badger is futile

Tasty Nuggetz, Week 4!

Hey! Guess what!  I forgot my sheet again!  So I’ll just wing it & try to remember what I had planned.  I don’t know why I plan anything anyway.  None of my plans ever seem to pan out.  I mean plans are for rich people like Warren Buffet’s secretary anyway, I suppose.

But Week 4 is one of the last weeks before most people get into the meat & potatoes & their conference schedules which are soon to be SUPER CONFERENCES (epic booming echoing voice).  It’ll be like a college football Hall of Justice!  With SUPER CONFERENCES  (epic booming echoing voice).  This fall on saturday mornings on NBC! Check your local listings.

Friday’s Game
BYU  -3 vs. UCF
Did anybody ever notice that UCF if you were to say the abbreviation phonetically sounds like an onomatopoeia?  Well, maybe an onomatopoeia in German or some Scandinavian language like Swedenese or Norwegish.  Try it out. [Sven] “Hey Rolf, did you see the size of the reindeer?” (reindeer runs over Rolf) [Rolf] “Ucf! You bet your flergin durgasbergens I did.”  Meanwhile BYU sounds like it would be an onomatopoeia for when a Cajun smells some ripe carcass.  [Oleyfus] “Byuuuuuuu, boy, you smell dat?  Smells like somebody killed by da Mormon Mafia, meh yeh.”          UCF 29, BYU 27

Mormon mafia- never go against the family.  All 143 members of it.

Saturday’s Games
Notre Dame -7 at Pitt
Notre Dame won last week!  So with a record of 1-2, if it were 1990, Notre Dame would be ranked #7 in the country.  Thankfully, at least in college football terms, we don’t live in those days anymore.  It always struck me as funny everyone’s love for Notre Dame.  Oh, yeah, a Catholic football power is great but you put one on the seat of President & KAPOW!, he gets assassinated by the mob/communists/CIA/shape-shifting lizard aliens/B1G commissioner Delaney/whomever.   There, that should keep me on the domestic terror watch list for the 18th week in a row.          Notre Dame 31, Pitt 30

Georgia -10 at Ole Miss
Speaking of shape-shifting lizards, it’s about high time Houston Nutt shape-shifts back to Giggity from Nutthead.  Ole Miss (GEAUX TO HELL!) got absolutely pantsed by Vandy last week.  They looked absolutely dreadful… against Vandy.  Nutt is likely dead man walking at the end of this year & since I made a JFK reference in the last pick, it’s a nice segue to let you know that the last time Ole Miss (GEAUX TO HELL!) won an SEC or National title, JFK was president.  I’ll let that sink in fer yas a moment. (snickers) Across the sidelines is another coach who is on the hot seat / dead man walking list in Mark Richt.  The winner of this game may be able to stave off their mid-season execution until the end of the year.  Or maybe not.  But these teams are shite right now but Georgia has more momentum at the moment since they were pantsed by Vandy last week.          Georgia 27, Ole Miss 24

Giggity giggity!! Goo goo goo!! Giggity giggity!! Goo goo goo!!

Bama -12 vs. Arkansas
Bama is favored by 12 over one of the team supposedly going to challenge for the SEC West crown?!  Really?  What does Vegas know that we don’t?  Well, actually a lot most likely but that line seems really high to me.  I mean, I know a lot of people out there have mancrushes & bromances on Nick $atan but if Vegas is falling for it, I am really worried.  Color me skepicible & a Bama-hater but I’m all over Arkansas & the points like a defensive lineman is on Jay Cutler.          Bama 26, Arkansas 17

Texas A&M -4 vs. Oklahoma St.
Future SECers take on T. Boone Pickens’ Cowpokes in College Station.  This is a game that the winner of likely sets them up for a winner-take-all Big 12 – X, Where X Equals Any Whole Number Conference showdown with Oklahoma.  Okie St. has given up points in abundance so far this season & the Aggies are, well, I don’t know really.  I haven’t seen the Aggies play yet so I’m just taking a flyer on them since Okie St.’s D this year has been crap this year.  Not quite Arsenal of the EPL kind of crap but crap nonetheless.  Luckily for them they can put up points in bunches.  Man I like me dat Honey Bunches Of Oats cereal.          Texas A&M 38, Oklahoma St. 28

LSU -6.5 at West Virginia
Maaaaaaan, it’s so disappointing that West Virginia made couch burning a felony.  I mean that’s like not letting Irish people dance a jig.  Or letting Appalachian mountain folk not make moonshine.  Or not letting politicians rip everybody off.  I mean people will do what they will do.  I just hope people don’t burn The Hat’s hat in effigy if the Mountaineers pull off the win.  B/c you know they’ll be jacked up for this one since: A.  they’re nutty like SEC to begin with & will want to show they can beat an SEC big boy & 2. those mountain folk are a bit queer anyway.  Just think how hopping mad they’ll be if Obama follows through on his threat to kill the coal industry!  Not sure how that’ll work since the majority of our country’s electricity is produced by burning coal.  Boooooooooooooo, where’s the awful jokes, Curtísimo?  We want awful jokes over awful political commentary.  Winter is coming!  For everybody it seems not just House Stark of Winterfell.          LSU 24, West Virginia 14

What you looking at?  This is how I heat my house now the coal industry gonna go belly up.

Ooh! Speaking of House Stark, A Song Of Ice And Fire fans will like that in the Carling Cup in England on Tuesday evening that the Starks finally got one over on the Lannisters as Wolverhampton Wanderers, commonly known as Wolves, beat the Lions of Millwall, 5-0! Take dat you incestuous, scheming Lannisters! THE KING IN THE NORTH!

What a crazy time we live in… a Southron lad like meself pledging fealty to a Northman!  Then again, The Hat is a “Northman” anyway. Well, that’s your lot for this week.  So, now if you’ll excuse me I have to go get ignored by several womens on the dating site.

Tasty Nuggetz Midweek Picks, Week 3!

Thursday’s Game
LSU -4.5 at Moo State
Can Moo State ever find love again in the SEC? Though they have that sole SEC title game appearance back in the 90s (I bet that burns Ole Miss [GEAUX TO HELL!] fans), it’s been bare pickings (no relation to T. Boone) in Starkvegas for over a decade.  Though they were seeming to turn a corner the last couple years with taking the scalp of Florida last year, nearly taking LSU’s scalp in the rain in ’09 the last time we met in Starkvegas & taking last year’s Crystal Asterik winner, Auburn, to the wire… literally last week.  I was really leery of this game a couple of weeks ago before our defense showed itself to be truly fucking hostile versus Oregon & Northwestern St., the latter to whom they allowed -4 yards rushing last week.  With the recent release of LSU’s Nike Pro Combat unis to be worn against Auburn, they’ll be even more fucking hostile as they kind of resemble a football version of Imperial Stormtroopers.  Now, for Moo St. I’m only a little leery.  Although playing in Starkvegas with an improved Moo State squad who is looking for love & on a Thursday Night prime time game has the potential to be a trap for the Tigers but I’ll take Da Tigahs by a Touchdown.  I’m not sure why I capitalized touchdown in that last sentence.         LSU 27, Moo St. 20

Looking for love in Starkvegas requires some initiative

Friday’s Game
Boise St. -20.5 at Toledo
(Scene from over the summer)
Boise: Yeah, boy! We’ll play anybody, anywhere!  BCS busters, baby!  Anybody! Anytime! Anywhere!
Toledo: Ooh! Ooh! Over here! We need a game, Boise.
Boise (ignoring Toledo): What? Hunh?  No takers?  You all scared or what?  Where’s all them big schools, hunh?  We’ll play anybody, anywhere, baby!
Toledo:  Ooh! Ooh! Excuse me?! Boise?  Ooh! Right here, we need a game!  You can come to Toledo too!
Boise (still ignoring Toledo): You all wimps or what? Anybody, anywhere, fools!
Toledo: Ooh! Ooh! Right here, Boise! Right HERE!
Boise (finally acknowledging Toledo with a disgusted sigh): What? Oh, Hi.  Are you um… here to schedule us a game with Ohio St.?
Toledo: Um, no.  We want to play you guys.  But we are in Ohio.  You guys said you’d play “anybody, anywhere,” right?
Boise: Uhhhh, yes.  But, but we meant…
Toledo: “Anybody, anywhere?”
Boise: But…
Toledo: Anybody. Anywhere.
Boise: But…
Toledo: ANYBODY. ANYWHERE.
Boise: (sighs with reluctance) Ok, ok.  We’ll come play in Ohio.  In Toledo… can you guys at least get us some Mud Hens hats?
Toledo: Done!

And thus, Boise will be forced to play in Toledo but luckily for Boise, ESPN will still no doubt verbally fellate them all game long as ESPN is wont to do.  Plus, Boise St. recently took its first official step in trying to be like a BCS school.          Boise St. 41, Toledo 17

Wish Boise St. was playing the Mud Hens, one of the best minor league team names EVAR

PS Honey Badger for Heisman update! The Honey Badger has is own Honey Badger for Heisman Facebook page! Click the link & hit the ‘Like’ button if you don’t give a shit (like the Honey Badger).  

After Dinner Mintz, Week 2

Weeeeeeell, Tiger Fans & other peoples, waddaya say?  Week 2 came & went & I had myself an average week for the picks.  Even had a near 50-hit day on Friday for Teh Blog, which for a non-registered sports portal blog that doesn’t have listing priority in search engines like other blog portals, ain’t too shabby.  Tyrann Mathieu, Honey Badger, ain’t quite the blogging gold that FC Barcelona & Lionel Messi is though he has been the catalyst for the hits this week.  BAM! See, I probably just got 86 hits for mentioning Lionel Messi’s name alone & another dozen for Tyrann Mathieu, Honey Badger.  If I mention Wayne Rooney was the alleged English football/soccer player that was supposed to be outed for doing cocaine & that Manchester United will bench him this week, it’ll probably be another 100+ hits. FOREIGN PEOPLE, THIS IS SATIRE.  THAT MEANS IT ISN’T REAL, SO DON’T HAVE A COW.  WAYNE ROONEY DOESN’T REALLY DO COCAINE.  Well, not to my knowledge anyway.  Right, let’s move on before I end up in the Greater Manchester magistrate’s court on libel charges.

Before we get on to this picks, we need to have some factual corrections from last week’s Nuggetz.  An astute (& likely sober) reader pointed out to me that Methuselah was not only not 963 years old (he actually reached 969) but that he was also in Genesis not Exodus as I had put.  However, after reviewing the evidence, it seems we were both wrong.  Methuselah was neither in Exodus or Genesis but apparently was in Guns ‘N’ Moses.  Take a look:

Methuselah was not in Exodus…

but Methuselah was not in Genesis either…

He was in Guns ‘N’ Moses, however!

Also, I erroneously put Cheryl Bachmann instead of Michelle Bachmann in the big-boobed, big-bootied joke.  However, Cheryl Bachmann was the October 1991 Playmate & technically the joke still works since Cheryl Bachmann has big boobs & it wouldn’t be above Fox to use a former Playmate to hawk the news.

Not to mention the sundry spelling error here or there…

Overall records going into Week 2:   2-2 Straight up, 1-3 Against the spread

Thursday’s Game
Oklahoma St. -14 vs. Arizona
Predicted score:   Oklahoma St. 36, Arizona 27          Actual score: Oklahoma St. 37, Arizona 14
Straight up (SU):   Won; Against the spread (ATS): Lost 

Didn’t watch the game as I was watching the NFL Super Bowl Opener with the Saints & the Packers.

Friday’s Game
Arizona St. -7.5 vs. Mizzou
Predicted score:   Arizona St. 41, Mizzou 28          Actual score:   Arizona St. 37, Mizzou 30 (OT)
SU: Won; ATS: Lost   (Dem damn half points’ll get’choo all the time!) 

Didn’t watch this game either as I was doing something else.  I don’t really recall what.  Talking on the phone & PS3ing or something.

Saturday’s Games
Mississippi St. -7 at Auburn
Predicted score: Mississippi St. 28, Auburn 20          Actual score:   Auburn 41, Mississippi St. 34
SU: Lost; ATS: Lost 

Wowsers, just like the Saints being stopped on the goal line as the clock expired on Thursday night, thus it was with Moo St. & Chris Relf getting stuffed as Auburn escapes for the 2nd week in a row at home.  But either way I hope y’all had the over in this one as that’ll be a good bet in most games Auburn plays in this year with that apparently shoddy defense they’re playing so far.

Alabama -10 at Penn St.
Predicted score: Bama 34, Penn St. 21          Actual score:   Bama 27, Penn St. 11
SU: Won; ATS: Won

Bama rolled & Penn St. scored a TD late in garbage time to make it remotely look like they were competitive in this one.  We are! Penn St.!  We are!….. the losers in this one!  Penn St. couldn’t do much on offense & Bama was content just to run it down JoePa’s boys’ throat for most of the afternoon.  Not sure what the debt was but Saban Lannister paid his to JoePa.

Notre Dame -3.5 at Michigan
Predicted score: Michigan 29, Notre Dame 27          Actual score:  Michigan 35, Notre Dame 31
SU: Won; ATS: Won  

Golly gee willikers!  What a wonderful spectacle of foosball this one was!  2 Titans of College Foosball, that albeit have fallen on difficult times for both, put on a show worthy of all the 1st-Night-Game-EVAR-The-Big-House-OMG-Awesome hype this game was given.  They hit a home run with doing the game with a throwback theme too.  Winners of the retro themed costume contest were the ref crew & their bebop/20s-era paperboy caps:

Ref in black cap: “So boys, we still headed out to that roadhouse off of Route 18 yonder on past Old Man Harrison’s farm after the game or what? I heard they got dancing girls came (sic) all the way from Havana!”

Ref in the middle: “Sorry, Orel.  I told you three times this week you ain’t goin’ go get in unless you got the secret code & the secret code is these white caps!”

Texas -7 vs. BYU
Predicted score: BYU 24, Texas 22          Actual score:   Texas 17, BYU 16
SU: Lost; ATS: Won  

The Mormons nearly pulled off another tight road victory for the 2nd consecutive week but the Longhorns survived the battle between what may soon be both independent schools.  Lulz! Good luck with that Texas!

Iowa -6.5 at Iowa St.
Predicted score: Iowa 23, Iowa St. 7          Actual score:   Iowa St. 44, Iowa 41 (3OT)
SU: Lost; ATS: Lost  

Lordy be! 85 points between the Ethanol Bowlers!  Maybe it IS an efficient form of energy!  Or maybe that’s what 3 OTs will do for a game.

LSU -47 vs. Northwestern St. (La.)
Predicted score: LSU 41, Northwestern St. (La.) 7          Actual score:   LSU 49, Northwestern St. (La.) 3
SU: Won; ATS: Won

The maiden voyage of the SS Mettenchrist happened in this one & if I were you I would not use any computers on LSU’s campus for a while since they may have been, er, soiled with some Rantard love.  Only thing some Rantards love more than the backup QB is the backup QB coming in & doing well.  That is until they learn the name of the backup backup QB, then he’s the new love interest.

But what am I to expect when you have Rantards being egged on by one of the biggest jackasses to grace this planet.  Seriously, Guilbeau- you’re comparing Mettenberger to Marcus Dupree?!  You, sir, are a dipshit!  Marcus Dupree was arguably as naturally talented as Herschel Walker & probably had more top end speed.  But Guilbeau is from that same stir-the-shit school of journalism made famous by Paul Finebaum (granted, he didn’t compare Mettenberger to Dupree directly, but people like Guilbeau know people will over-exaggerate his analogy, especially if they’re in the anti-Miles all-the-time camp like he is).

At least with Finebaum, there are moments where you know he knows he’s full of shit.  Guilbeau actually thinks he’s some sort of contrarian genius wielding powers of prophecy.  It’s bad enough you’re an idiot Guilbeau but then you compound that flaw with a press photo that makes you look like you got that second Y-chromosome just off in the nick of time.  Oh & speaking of Nick, Guilbeau, how are Saban’s balls tasting these days, you hack?

Seriously, I love how journalists like Guilbeau love to find ways to continue to bash a coach when he’s winning- in this case criticizing Les Miles for not starting Mettenberger.  You’re a hack Guilbeau, not a professional.  It’s obviously personal with you & Miles, you dumbfvck.

But I should remember that Guilbeau plies his trade in North Louisiana.  The area of Louisiana ruled by Protestant turncloaks that were Cowboys fans for decades until the Saints got good & belong more in East Texas & Southern Arkansas! Eat it, Guilbeau!  (Curtisimo steps away from the imaginary podium, juts his chin & nods vigorously Mussolini-style at his rant)

You know it’s bad when Nancy Pelosi agrees with me…

This week’s record- SU: 5-3; ATS: 4-4
Season’s record- SU: 7-5; ATS: 5-7

The Tasty Nuggetz, Week 2; Weekend Picks!

Well, dem Cowpokes sure acquitted themselves well against Arizona!  Instant analysis of the Oklahoma St.-Arizona game was this- I was busy watching the Saints play awful defense in the NFL kickoff opener.

To the weekend picks!

Saturday
Mississippi St. -7 at Auburn
The SEC Spread Bowl!  Moo St. comes off a shellacking of Memphis whilst Teh Barners of Auburn come off a saved by the bell last-minute victory against Utah St.  In what could be a changing of the guard a bit in the SEC West, Mississippi St. has a legitimate shot to beat the War Legal Law All-Stars.  But if Auburn can harness the power of the Crystal Asterisk like the Skeksis can harness the power of the Dark Crystal, then Moo State may be in for a rude awakening on the road despite being a TD favorite.  But color me anti-skeksis & I think Moo State hands the Barners their 1st loss as Black Tebow, Chris Relf, pwnanates Auburn’s Hobbit/Elven-looking QB, Barrett Trotter.           Mississippi St. 28, Auburn 20

Alabama -10 at Penn St.
So, Joe Paterno is like 963 years old.  Which is the age Methuselah reached in Exodus, the oldest person ever according to the Bible.  Now, Penn St. & Paterno haven’t really been an upper echelon program for long ever since Jacob brought down the walls of Jericho when Joe Paterno was just a grad assistant with Canaan Tech.  Bama’s big win last week glossed over the fact that their 2 QBs had pedestrian Jarrett Lee-like performances in throwing 4 INTs against a fairly poor defense.  But don’t look now b/c Nick $aban’s hair is still a perfect quaff of manly hair goodness.  In fact, if $aban was a Game of Thrones character, he’d be a Lannister.  And “a Lannister always pays his debts”… even to old coots like JoePa.           Bama 34, Penn St. 21

House Lannister’s colors are Crimson, like the evil SEC House of Bama!

Notre Dame -3.5 at Michigan
1st night game in Teh Big House!  Glad to see the Midwesterners realize it’s 2011 & use electricity to play a night game.  Man, you give people some freedom & all of a sudden bing-pow-kablooie!- Night games!  Next thing you know those kookie Midwesterners will want things like regular air conditioning!  Well, you know what they say… give somebody an inch & they’ll take a mile.  Except for Michigan.  Who has missed out on taking Miles twice!  Boom!  Get it? GET IT?! PS, Notre Dame is the England of College Foosball- overrated rubbish who live off accomplishments of days gone by.          Michigan 29, Notre Dame 27

Texas -7 vs. BYU
In a battle of future independent nations, Texas hosts BYU.  Generalissimo Mack Brown takes his charges into battle against the chosen army of the Angel Moroni.  With the inevitable death of the Big 12 & the blood of that event on Texas’ hands, BYU may be able to take advantage in Austin b/c oh by the way, Mack Brown still actually sucks as a head coach when he doesn’t have a Vince Young to bail him out.  Or a Cart McCoy.  So look for the Christians who’ve already seen a return of Holy Baby Jeebus to nick the upset & walk out of Austin with a stolen DVD of Stevie Ray Vaughn’s Austin City Limits performance where he set the house on fire.          BYU 24, Texas 22

Iowa -6.5 at Iowa St.
In the Ethanol Bowl, I really could care less who wins this match.  Although I’ll pick the game so as to make a joke into a non-existent “Ethanol Bowl” or some stupid political “Iowa Straw Poll Bowl.”  And looking at the straw poll results it looks like Vegas has the Iowa Tea Party to murder both Iowa & Iowa St. at 5-1 & a Michelle Bachmann & Sarah Palin big-boobed, big-bootied FOX-backed politislut daily double to pay out at 11-1 if both of them sleeps with the winner(s) of this game.  Oh by the way, I’m putting my money on Iowa b/c Hawkeye was a character in M*A*S*H.           Iowa 23, Iowa St. 7

LSU -47 vs. Northwestern (La.) St.
This really should be an unofficial pick since real Vegas lines generally don’t list I-A v. I-AA teams.  But, let’s just view this matchup as a cup match like you get in soccer across the pond where cross-divisions play each other regularly.  So, with that in my mind, LSU should be & are huge favorites as they come off a big win over a “sexy” Oregon team & about the only thing Northwestern St. has going for it is it’s located in Natchitoches, La. & it hosts a Christmas Lights Festival that’s so much fun, ‘ol Chuckles nearly bedded one of the hottest chicks he’s ever known.  But, almost only counts in horseshoes & hand grenades & LSU will win this one but not by 47 since Jarrett Lee sucks & only throws 3 TDs & MettenChrist only throws 2 in this one. If you got an extra 5 or 10 quid lying around, another Honey Badger defensive score isn’t a bad bet either.         LSU 41, Northwestern St. 7

Oh & here is live video of the Big 12 (-2) further breakup from the scene in Waco at Baylor University:

Tyrann Mathieu, Honey Badger, For Heisman

To those of you who know me, you know I’m not a big fan of the Heisman Trophy.  It’s a fanboi award, in my opinion.  It really isn’t about the best player in college foosball.  It usually is about the best QB or RB & in contemporary times it’s usually a good QB or RB on a highly ranked team.

Where’s the love for the defensive players?  Ndamukong Suh was the best player in college foosball 2 years, period, end of story.  This year, watch Tyrann Mathieu.  If not this year, perhaps next, but Tyrann Mathieu is easily one of the best players in college foosball.  Period.  He may end up returning some kicks (which is usually the only way a defensive player ever gets any love from Heisman voter numbnuts) but watch him consistently & tell me he isn’t one of the best players in all of college foosball land.

He’ll likely walk away with the Thorpe award this year or next or both.

Just know when opposing receivers line up & face Tyrann Mathieu, the Honey Badger, this runs through their head in terror.

Honey Badger for Heisman!

Tyrann! Come back down to earth & grant us the good fortune of
your presence amongst us mere mortals! (photo: http://www.joshdweiss.com)

The future Heisman Honey Badger 

After Dinner Mintz, Week 1

Mints to mask the taste of some funky nuggetz

So, Nuggeteers, Week 1 resulted in only 4 picked games due to your intrepid & annoying leader, Curtísimo du Chuckles, not sure how this venture will shake out.  Week 1 in College Foosball saw plenty of horrid uniforms unleashed on an unsuspecting public & several games called due to inclement weather, including yesterday’s “Coal Bowl” between Marshall & West Virginia [though Wiki says the Coal Bowl is contested between the 2 Pennsylvania schools named after states, California (Pa.) & Indiana (Pa.)].  The symbolic gesture of the Coal Bowl being shut down, was no doubt cheered in the far fringe of the Green movement, even though those knuckleheads still don’t understand where the majority of our electricity in this country comes from.  But I digress…

My picks this past week were kind of like Green energy in it’s current state- a lot of promise but not very efficient, so far.

Mississippi St. -30 at Memphis
Predicted score: 38-14, Moo St.         Actual score: 59-14, Moo St.
Won, straight up; Lost, against the spread

Mississippi St. led by Black Tebow & Dan Mullen’s super whizbang Addazio-proof spread ran & threw all over Memphis in an offensive output not seen in Starkville since Will Clark & Rafael Palmeiro prowled the baseball diamond for the ‘Dawgs in the late 80s.  As a Tigah fan the Moo St. game worries me a good bit now even with them coming off of a short week following next week’s SEC Spread Bowl versus Awburn.

“Chris Relf- better form than Tebow!”

TCU -4.5 at Baylor
Predicted score: TCU, 34-24          Actual score: Baylor, 50-48
Lost, SU; Lost, ATS 

There wasn’t this many fireworks in Waco since the Branch Davidian compound invasion mentioned in the picks.  Robert Griffin threw like 19 TDs in the 1st half but costly penalties & an overall “shit-the-bed”ness style of play almost cost the Bears the game late on.  But Baylor kicked a field goal late to save Baylor’s Bacon.  Mmmmmmm, bacon.

David Koresh: “If we would’ve had Robert Griffin at Branch David, we would’ve beaten the ATF”

Kansas St. -27.5 vs. Eastern Kentucky
Predicted score: EcoKats, 38-10         Actual score: EcoKats, 10-7
Won, SU; Lost, ATS 

Good god.  This weekend had plenty of bad uniforms, bad weather stopping games & bad teams making bigger schools look, bad mmmmkay?  The EcoKats lived up to their new energy saving mascot & conserved all their energy for the 4th quarter when they scored ten to top Eastern Kentucky.  Get it?  Conserved energy?  Wocka wocka wocka

Moments after this picture was taken, EcoKat & Willie drove a Suburban 2 blocks to get some coffee

Oregon -4 vs. LSU at JerryWorld
Predicted score: Oregon 26-23          Actual score: LSU, 40-27
Lost, SU; Won, ATS 

“Keep sending your geniuses.  Their tears taste like taffy.”

Duck Spread 3.0? FAIL!  “The Ducks will wear down LSU’s defense.” FAIL!  “The Ducks will line up & run plays & the defense can’t keep up.”  FAIL!  “The SEC hasn’t seen the kind of speed LaMichael James & Kenjon Barner will provide Oregon.”  FAIL!  You’re right.  You know why ESPN hasn’t seen speed like Barner & James regularly?  B/c that kind of speed in the SEC is on the club quidditch team!  Once again, the Hat adorned idiot hands another coaching genius his ass.  The Heisman will once again go to some schmuck offensive player but you people- yes, I said you people- need to watch Tyrann Mathieu on every play.  He ain’t the walrus but he is the honey badger!  To quote a fellow poster at andthevalleyshook.com:

“oblong leather objects with laces gravitate towards Tyrann Mathieu in a way that science can’t explain.”

So, Week 1 ends with a 2-2 W-L record SU & 1-3 ATS.  Sucktastic!