Archive for October, 2011

Well, here we are at the week of the Game of the Century for this Season™, LSU v Bama!  The Titans to tussle in Tuscaloosa!  The grass-eating, trick play calling, go for it on 4th down like it’s nothing, Les Miles versus the stick in the mud, misanthrope masquerading as a football coach, Nick $aban.  But, time enough to get to that little game later… oh, you tease!

Nebraska -4 vs. Michigan St.
Predicted score: Nebraska 23, Michigan St. 17          Actual score: Nebraska 24, Michigan St. 3
Straight up (SU): Won; Against the spread (ATS): Won 

(skin color football stereotype disclaimer) I’m telling you, Rex Burkhead’s name should be Rex Burkheart.  The kid runs with heart.  He plays hurt, he scores hurt, he doesn’t leave the field hurt like a couple of nippy-footed Ewoks down in Florida.  He gets hurt, he returns to the field two plays later to catch a TD pass.  Meanwhile, Sparty had an offensive output that would’ve made only an LSU ’09 team jealous.  If the Spartans had put out this effort at Thermopylae, there likely would’ve never had been a Western world.  Discuss…

Oklahoma -14 at Kansas St.
Predicted score: Oklahoma 45, Kansas St. 24           Actual score: Oklahoma 58, Kansas St. 17
SU: Won; ATS: Won 

Sometimes, it’s too easy.  A game like this line had almost makes me want to start betting real money again.  A team coming off a loss is a 2 TD favorite over a higher-ranked opponent who was at home?  Vegas was telegraphing this one big time.  Or maybe it knew EcoKat, like many Green initiatives are more hype than substance.

Georgia -3 “at” Florida
Predicted score: Florida 24, Georgia 20          Actual score: Georgia 24, Florida 20
SU: Lost; ATS: Lost 

24-20! Nailed the score!  Too bad I apparently had temporary dyslexic prophecy.  Rainey & Demps get hurt.  AGAIN.  I called one an Ewok above but then again the Ewoks actually helped take down the shield generator on Endor, so actually they’re tougher than Demps & Rainey.  Much tougher.  Yub nub!  All the kids doing that new craze of Tebowing best put it to real use & start praying for another savior.

Wicket, “Time to die, Death Star 2.”

Stanford -8 at USC
Predicted score: U$C 27, Stanford 24           Actual score: Stanford 56, USC 48 3OT
SU: Lost; ATS: Tie (Lost, if you bet) 

Vegas nails the line & everybody loses! Vegas owns you again, boy!  Man that Vegas is lucky sometimes.  This time they were Andrew Lucky.  Wocka wocka wocka.  Just remember, kidz, “the House always wins!”

Sorry, Obama supporters, this picture was too awesome not to post
#I’mbackonthewatchlist (Hi, Gary; Hi, Janet)

Wisconsin -7.5 at Ohio St.
Predicted score: Wisconsin 24, Ohio St. 13          Actual score: Ohio St. 33, Wisconsin 29
SU: Lost; ATS: Lost 

Ohio St. pulled off the upset in the Horseshit, er, Horseshoe & I think both teams scored all of their points in the final 3 minutes.  This game went from like 14-10 or something to the final score in the final 3 minutes when the secondaries from both schools took early retirements.  Don’t look now but Wisconsin is playing like jackpot poopy pants!

Forlorn badger is forlorn after blowing game to the Suckeyes.

Weekly record- SU: 2-3; ATS: 2-2-1
Season record- SU: 40-20, .667; ATS: 25-34-1, .425

No, no, platonic boners, Haterade drinkers.

We all in!…. pain.

In the second half, after the pair of kickoff return death tackles, I almost felt sorry for Auburn at one point.  Almost.  You all in?  Yeah, you were all in trouble.  Take that Tubernik!  Take that Chiznerville!  BOOM.

You want yet another reason why I would rather have Les Miles than that stick-up-his-ass Nick Saban?  Here:


Cane & Miles in an epic brofist

Just chill out, man.  No, Saban, you chill out ya perpetually angry douche.  Have some fun.  Pretend it’s an Eagles concert or something for Christ’s sake.  Chill out is Saban-speak for “I don’t want to have to deal with the fallout if I lose to that (alleged) Idiot, again.”  Hey, man, hype is all part of the process, ass.  Oops.

On to a couple of strange, WTF tidbits.  Firstly, there’s the complete farce of a JUCO being ranked in the BCS.  Yeah & us playoff proponents are the idiots, right bowl backers?  Why does a computer pollster take into account teams that aren’t even eligible in the first place?  Ranking all college teams that play football? I understand from a statistical data set standpoint but to not remove those ineligible teams from any final rankings submitted to the BCS is completely absurd.

Never mind your bowl system often means schools that go to the lower tier bowls often lose money on the deal but now your pet institution that is supposed to be a somewhat unbiased & analytical way to determine bowl participants is shown for the complete & utter rubbish it is.  COMPUTERS DON’T THINK, nitwits,  So don’t blame computers for giving your never ending, weird results.  They only spit out results from formulas that HUMANS PICK.  Derp!

Second piece of weirdness & it comes with a bit of history too as Gaysus Christ had a little history of this at Florida but has now upped the ante in the NFL:


Git you some, Tebow!

Maybe it was the tv angle, maybe Tebow is a raging closeted, sexually frustrated gay/bi-curious young man (not that there’s anything wrong with that) or maybe it’s just yet another farce in the pre-2012 Apocalyptic dawn… either way, sometimes it’s better not to think about things too much.  Just say, “WTF?”:

The previous picture makes me think this picture actually makes more sense now

Men & menettes, should we even have a Tasty Nuggetz for this week?  I mean A) nobody reads this schlock & B) shouldn’t we all be getting prepared ourselves with preparations for the biggest mega-game of the foosball universe of the century for this year?  LSU v Alabama… it ain’t foosball, it’s ESPN/CBS sportstainment! ©

Man, we LSU types sure like our night games.  So much so there were howls of major consternation as a 70+ year tradition died this year. LSU home games will be picked up by CBS so much that there shall be no night games for the 1st time since before we fought teh Nazis (read as old white type person pronouncing it as “Nat-zees”).  In fact, there was so much consternation that our AD, Joe Alleva had to send out a letter to LSU fandom explaining that CBS had promised to televise LSU-Bama as a night game next year.  This Alleva cat (of the Duke lacrosse & Shady’s parking lot incidents) must have a Political Correctness threat monitor in his office that goes off at the sign of any potential PR & PC problems.

Anyway, blah blah blah, yadda yadda yadda… on to Teh Nuggetz!

Nebraska -4 vs. Michigan St.
What a helluva finish for Spartanland last week.  A reviewed Hail Mary on the last play of the game where they scored to set of pandemonium, which curiously has nothing to do with pandas.  This is another big game for Sparty as the winner of this one will be in good stead of the B1G+X “Legends” Division race.  Mainly because, personally, I think Michiganh! is a bit of a pretender in the end.  This game’ll go as Tyler Martinez goes, mang.  The dude can be quite erratic but if he is on the ‘Huskers being at home will have enough to outlast Green Sparta!          Nebraska 23, Michigan St. 17

Actually, it’s “This is Sparty.”

Oklahoma -14 at Kansas St.
Oklahoma… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHALMAOLOLLULZLOLHAHAHAHAHA(WHDOHfdwhfowhgvenb[pwo8e1nrfwsd!!!!!j1j1!!!!1!!1!  The Sooners got Tubervilled last week by the Red Raiders & now they face the Fightin’ EcoKats.  You think K-State & Bill Snyder have been conserving energy for this matchup?  Get it?  Get it? GET IT?  Because K-State has EcoKat.  To be fair to EcoKat, she/he/it probably has the same level tactical of nous of Mack Brown who, coincidentally, is a waster.  Of talent.  Big Game Bob vs. Eco Kat… it’s going to be epic… for conservation awareness…  Especially since “Big Game” Bob is prone to crap his pants like last week spewing tons of methane into the atmosphere killing Mother Gaia with its wretched, foul smell…          Oklahoma 45, Kansas St. 24

“Listen to the Kat Lady, cows!  Methane is dangerous! So, quit farting!”

Georgia -3 “at” Florida 
LMAOLOLLULZ part deux!  Like, dude, Georgia is favored against Florida?  Like, dude, like, that’s fucking crazy, bro.  When I saw that I got,like, so mad my fucking tribal armband tat almost boiled off.  Shit, bro.  That’s fucking sick, dude.  That shit wouldn’t happen if Meyer was still here, amirite?  Fuck that shit, bro.  Even if Georgia somehow fucking wins this game, like, bro, they think they seriously could, like, out drink us at The World’s Largest Cocktail Party?  Fuckin’-A it’s going to be epic as always.  I’m definitely gonna get me some ass at The Landing after the game, because, like, shit.  It’s, like, who really cares about the game unless we win, amirite, brosefs? Go Gatuh! Oh yeah… and, like… FUCKING SALT LIFE!          Florida 24, Georgia 20

Fuck yeah, dood!  Beer, beaches & bitches! AMIRITE?! SALT LIIIIIIFE!

Stanford -8 at U$C
With any Luck Stanford should overcome the Trojan sellswords & Kiffykins.  With any Luck this win would legitimize a little Stanford’s ranking as their schedule has been a bit weak so far.  With any Luck this win will give Andrew Luck a lot of momentum for the Fanboisman (Heisman, to the lay person) award in West Coast voters’ eyes.  Unfortunately, for Luck & luck, there is also bad luck.  If Luck has a bad game he will be Bad Luck.  With any Luck I could have thought of better jokes for this game.          U$C 27, Stanford 24

Aaaaaandrew Luuuuuuck! Yeah, Aaaaandrew Luuuuuck!

Wisconsin -7.5 at Ohio St.
This game just got a whole lot more interesting with Wiscy’s last second OMG-their-hearts-ripped-out loss last week to Sparty.  The Suckeyes salvaged some hope for their season after knocking off a ranked Zookinois team last week.  So, playing at the Horseshit, excuse me, Horseshoe, Ohio St. has a fighting chance against BadgerBadgerBadger.  Then again, I probably have no clue what I’m talking about since I’ll just be sitting in a corner trying not to die before LSU-Bama next week.          Wisconsin 24, Ohio St. 13

Ohio…. the Midwest’s Alabama

Friday’s Games
West Virginia -14 at Syracuse
Predicted score: West Virginia 44, Syracuse 21          Actual score: Syracuse 49, West Virginia 23
Straight up (SU): Lost; Against the spread (ATS): Lost 

See, I told you being the Archaeopteryxes would be a win for Syracuse!  Too bad I didn’t actually predict them to win the game over the Mountaineers.  Well, if memory serves, the Mountaineers thought the 26 pt. loss to LSU was a moral victory, so is the 26 pt. loss to Syracuse a moral victory, ‘Neers? Derp!

26 point losses aren’t moral victories, boyeeeeeeeeeeee!

Saturday’s Games
LSU -22 vs. Auburn
Predicted score: LSU 31, Auburn 20           Actual score: LSU 45, Auburn 10
SU: Won; ATS: Won 

Holy crap what a beatdown!  Biggest win EVAR in the Auburn-LSU series for either school.  LSU was bringing the hammer in the second half, kidz!  Honey Badger for Heisman?  More like Honey Badger for Whosman!  Not only does the Honey Badger takes what he wants, but Honey Badger’s replacement also takes what he wants as Ron Brooks had a pick six & General Captain Sergeant Lee threw a couple of bombs as did JJ Headkicker!  What is best life, dudes & dudettes?

I said Mathieu for Whosman but I really meant Mathieu for Highsman

* Les Miles is the fastest to 70 wins for an LSU coach.  Not bad for a supposed big dummyhead who has problems with clocks!

Image extracted from Auburn players’ nightmares on Saturday

Notre Dame -8.5 vs. USC
Predicted score: Notre Dame 34, USC 24           Actual score: USC 31, Notre Dame 17
SU: Lost; ATS: Lost 

Man, I can’t get a read on this Notre Dame team to save my life.  Luckily for me, I don’t bet anymore & I still enjoy when they lose.  Even if it was to U$C.

Wisconsin -8 at Michigan St.
Predicted score: Wisconsin 35, Michigan St. 21            Actual score: Michigan St. 37, Wisconsin 31 
SU: Lost; ATS: Lost 

Holy crap, what a finish.  Even as I was basking in the post-Auburn ass-whoopin’ & enjoying even more imbibed spirits at a local watering hole in BR, I was fixed to the television with the enthralling happenstance unfolding on the television between the Badgers & the Spartans.  A last second Hail Mary, nay, last second reviewed Hail Mary!  Play was reviewed, overturned & ruled a TD for the Spartans cue pandemonium in said bar, not b/c there were any Spartans there but just b/c it’s freaking plays like that why we all love college football!

Boise St. -30.5 vs. Air Force
Predicted score: Boise St. 42, Air Force 14           Actual score: Boise St. 37, Air Force 26
SU: Won; ATS: Won 

Occupy Boise defeated one of their oppressors of the Military-Industrial complex.  Occupy BCS!

*          *           *          *           *          *           *          *           *          *

Weekly record- SU: 2-3; ATS: 2-3
Season record- SU: 38-17, .691; ATS: 23-32, .418

Well, laborers & jellyfish, Nuggeteers & Nuggetettes, this week’s version of The Tasty Nuggetz will only have 5 games as my adventures in trying to get a condo ready to rent & sell out are going quite the shambolic way due to a terrific combination of strategic procrastination & apathy brought on by the seemingly overwhelming mountain task of it all.

Couple the above with the destruction of yet another of life’s dreams yesterday as The Honey Badger was suspended for allegedly failing a drug test for synthetic weed.  I’m not explaining what synthetic weed is.  If you don’t know, ya 1950s whitebread square, go Google it.  It’s always funny though to hear certain corners of fandom who either smoked pot themselves in college (or still do) & call for the legalization of it, then go off & call people out for getting busted on it.  Ohhhhhh, I got it, it should only be legal for your teams’ players.  Got it, Eric Holder.

In the words of my father, “SHITPISSFUCK!”

And here I thought the biggest joke of the week would be the formation of CONFERENCE NORTH AMERICA!  The Mountain West & Conference USA sees your quaint, little super conferences & raises to a MEGA CONFERENCE.  I forget the conference but there’s some D.II or D.III basketball or baseball conference that has like 20 teams so this is just ridiculous on so many levels.  Especially when the conference champ of Conference North America still doesn’t receive (as of yet) a BCS bid or an automatic qualifying spot into the CONCACAF Champions’ League.

Anyways, on to Teh Nuggetz!

Fridays Games
West Virginia -14 at Syracuse
Isn’t it great that yet another school solved racism & bigotry by changing their mascot?  But come on, schools, can we at least get creative with the mascots?  Orange?  That’s as dull as cuisine north of the Mason-Dixon line.  Why not pick something unusual?  I’m not asking Syracuse to change their color scheme from Orange & Navy Blue.  Just pick something other than “Orange.”  My pick for Syracuse’s mascot would’ve been an archaeopteryx.  Why?  B/c the name “archaeopteryx” is fucking cool, that’s why.  Plus, college is about knowledge right?  Teach people about how fucking cool archaeopteryx, the oldest bird, is.  Also, let’s see sports talking heads stumble on pronouncing archaeopteryx every week too.  See? Everybody’s a winner.  Syracuse, archaeopteryx, knowledge & announcer haters like myself.           West Virginia 44, Syracuse 21

Major medical boyeeeeeeeee!

Saturday’s Games
LSU -22 vs. Auburn
In a game always notable for zany stuff happening in it, the aforementioned suspensions of LSU for smoking up recalls another famous smoking incident in this rivalry.   A list to 2004 of the weirdness.  Since 2004, there has also been 2005’s 5 Misses In ’05, 2006’s Refgate, 2007’s “You Can’t See Me,”  2008’s Jarrett Lee Pick-Six Turns Game-Winning TD Pass  (or Todd Blackledge’s “Fistfight In A Ditch”) & last year’s “Scamper by the $cam Newton.”   This game has also been referred to as the Concussion Bowl but is still not without controversy as along with HoneyBadgergate there is also the matter of Landry the Younger attending Auburn this year.  So, scandals, controversies & quarrels all around when the Tigers & the WarEagleTigerWeAllInPlainsmen meet.  So in light of all the scandals… how about some Scandal?          LSU 31, Auburn 20

Hopefully Scandal has the right message for scandals

Notre Dame -8.5 vs. USC
Remember when this game meant something?  I’m sure it still means something to all the half-assed, solipsistic, show up on Saturday not knowing who your opponent’s starting QB is, type of fan that still roots for U$C but, boy, this game’s wow factor went from 9s or 10s of the early 2000s to the number “yawn” these days.  I mean Kiffin hasn’t even been derping much this year, so we don’t even have that going for us.  Anyway, I’m taking the pride of the Holy See in this one over the Greek city-state that plays in a stadium named after a Roman one.  Play like Constantine the Great today!            Notre Dame 34, USC 24

Because of this marble bust, you have Notre Dame football today.

Wisconsin -8 at Michigan St.
Can Sparty keep chug, chug, chugging along?  Or will they be derailed by Wisconsin & Russell Wilson the Transferred?  Wisconsin has crushed all comers so far while Sparty has kind of stumbled a bit into their 5-1 record.  Winner of this game takes a big step forward in overall B1G+X conference supremacy & could be an early portent of a rematch in the inaugural B1G+X conference championship game.  Great thing about that game is that the teams participating in it will be coached by the ghosts of Woody Hayes & Bo Schembechler, respectively.   Anyway, look for the badgers to be angry in this one as they will no doubt be enraged at their brother, the Honey Badger being oppressed!       Wisconsin 35, Michigan St. 21 

Angry badger says “Free Tyrann Mathieu!”

Boise St. -30.5 vs. Air Force
In solidarity with the Occupy Wall St. protests & all it’s little Satan spawns of Occupy (Town) sublets, Boise & mid-Majors, when they are left out of the BCS title game yet again, should storm the Superdome outer deck & stage a sit-in protest of their own- #OccupyBCS!    Especially since that seems to be an acceptable movement & would go over well with the media.  More so than say a protest movement called the Gatorade Party where schools would actually be allowed to keep more of their bowl earnings instead of being used as cash cows for de facto ESPN marketing vehicles.       Boise St. 42, Air Force 14 


Thursday’s Game
USC  -3 at Cal
Predicted score: USC 26, Cal 20          Actual score: USC 30, Cal 9
Straight up (SU): Won; Against the spread (ATS): Won 

Every time I looked up from the computer or my drink, the kid from Cal was throwing interceptions around like outgoing Presidents throw pardons around.  Despite USC putting up 30 in this game their offense actually looked kind of lethargic to me, having to settle for field goals on a few drives.  U$C would’ve turned those drives into 7 points, where USC had to settle for the field goals…

Saturday’s Games
Michigan St -1.5 vs. Michigan 
Predicted Score: Michigan 28, Michigan St. 27             Actual score: Michigan St. 28, Michigan 14
SU: Lost; ATS: Lost 

Well, I got the 28 points for the winner correct, amirite?  But hey, guess who is tied for the 2nd most interceptions thrown in I-A (eat it, FBS name)?  Heisman candidate, Denard Robinson.  He also has a “stellar” 53.9% completion percentage.  Which in this day & age where you can dump to a back on every play is pretty rubbishy.  If he’s a legitimate Heisman candidate with all those oskies, only proves my point from a previous post that the Heisman is nothing but a fanboi award!

South Carolina -2.5 at Moo State
Predicted score: South Carolina 21, Moo State 20          Actual score: South Carolina 14, Moo State 12
SU: Win; ATS: Win

Well, the ‘Ol Ball Coach lost him a quarterback (that he dismissed from the team) & now it seems he lost him premier running back Marcus Lattimore, to a sprained ankle/knee/leg/talent.  The loss of Lattimore is huge as the SEC (L)East was/is there begging for someone to grab control of it.

Oklahoma St. -7.5 at Texas
Predicted score: Oklahoma St. 37, Texas 27          Actual score: Oklahoma St. 38, Texas 26
SU: Win; ATS: Win

A 1 pt. error either way from my predicted score?  Not bad, El Curtísimo.  Predicted score, actual score, whatever.  It all means one thing- Texas’ Big 12 hopes are pretty much already dead.  So, won’t you join me as we Lament For The Aurochs?

For it is written in Longhorns lore that one day another Vince Young will come & lead them back to Glory…

Tulane -1 vs. UTEP
Predicted score: Tulane 33, UTEP 30          Actual score: UTEP 44, Tulane 7
SU: Lost; ATS: Lost 

Well, that’ll learn me to pick a freakin’ Tulane game.  I guess UTEP didn’t mind that ride in the Mercedes-Benz Superdome…

LSU -17 at Thirteennessee
Predicted score: LSU 30, Thirteennessee  14          Actual score: LSU 38, Thirteennesee 7
SU: Won; ATS: Won

Not even a Peyton Manning booth cameo with Uncle Verne & Uncle Gary could stop the LSU Tiger Juggernaut.  Even JJ Headkicker led a 99 yard scoring drive as the Tigers simply physically wore down yet another opponent.  Thirteennesee was so demoralized they didn’t even attempt using 13 on defense at any point in this game.  If the LSU band would’ve seen Peyton Manning in person, they should’ve played “Neck” to taunt him.  Get it? Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeyyyyyyy Peyton…. You talkin’ out the side o’ yo’ neck!

Illinois -4 vs. Ohio St.
Predicted score: Illinois 31, Ohio St. 24          Actual score: Ohio St. 17, Illinois 7
SU: Lost; ATS: Lost

In a game reminiscent of the 1930s, Ohio St. won in a game where the Suckeye QB went an amazing 1 of 4 passing for 17 yards… and a TD.  With play like that, you would think the Germans just invaded Poland or something.

Bama -26.5 at Ole Miss (GEAUX TO HELL!)
Predicted score: Bama 38, Ole Miss 17 (GEAUX TO HELL!)          Actual score: Bama 52, Ole Miss 7
SU: Won; ATS: Lost 

Bama won their 4th national title of the year as they beat a frankly pathetic Ole Miss (GEAUX TO HELL!) team nearly to death.  Despite the win & the obligatory self-awarding of a national championship, Nick $atan’s golden calf statue was defiled, no doubt by some LSU Tigeheretics.  Keep fighting the good fight, LSU Tiger operatives everywhere! Fortuna tigris fortis!

Florida -2 at Auburn
Predicted score: Auburn 34, Florida 30          Actual score: Auburn 17, Florida 6 
SU: Won; ATS: Won


Once again, more LSUFreek genius

Bolstered by the OJ-like $cam Newton decision, Auburn went on to victory over a Floriduh team that is pretty shambolic on offense right now.  Charlie Cheeburger’s offense at one point- screenburger, screenburger, screenburger, puntsi!  The Moosechamp is about to go all Zook on this season & lose 4 (& possibly more) games this year.  It’s the 1st time Florida has lost 3 straight games in consecutive seasons since 1946-47.  Also, based on Chris Rainey’s form in this game, he is likely to be in line for an England call-up the way he kicked the ball around on punts.  Rainey for England!  The way he bobbled all those punts, I now believe he possibly texted “time to die” in error with those iffy hands of his…  Early lines aren’t out yet but the Gators might be an underdog to Open this week.  Wocka wocka wocka!

SMU -3 vs. UCF
Predicted score: SMU 34, UCF 24           Actual score: SMU 38, UCF 17
SU: Won; ATS: Won

Really, who cares other than me b/c I picked the game correctly?  Not even sure if Craig James even cares about SMU.

Weekly record- SU: 7-3; ATS: 6-4
Season record- SU: 36-14, .720; ATS: 21-29, .420