Week 5 Tasty Nuggetz

Wookie.  Wookie.  Wookie.  Oof.  Wookiewookiewookiewookiewookiewookiewookiewookiewookiewookiewookie.  Oof.

‘What’s up with all the wookies, Curtísimo,’ you might ask?  Well, I’m hungover & it feels like wookies used my head for a soccer ball.  The goal that Nagraoao scored from 30 yards out, while a beaut, hurt like the dickens when my head rang off the crossbar & crept over the line.

Anyway…. to the Nuggetz!

Texas A&M -3 at Arkansas
Arkansas gets the soon-to-be-SEC Aggies following a week where they got battered & bruised pretty good against Bama.  Fair play to Tyler Wilson though as he kept picking himself off the mat, so I think being at home against A&M it’ll be enough to survive this week as he only receives a part-beating.  The Aggies meanwhile will no doubt enjoy making better acquaintance with a school that will be their perpetual program level brethren following their future SEC entry.  Seriously, Aggies, welcome & all but if you can’t win a Big 12 title, you think you’re going to step into winning titles in the SEC?  Good luck with that.          Arkansas 31, Texas A&M 27

LSU -30.5 vs. Kentucky
Woooooooooooo, boyeee, man dem Tigahs looked good last week, yards given up schmards given up.  People really need to take off the blinders sometimes & maybe they wouldn’t have missed the fact LSU kicked West Virginia in the head beat West Virginia’s ass.  Now, da Tigahs come home to Tigah Stadium for their SEC home opener after facing a tough September slate where they knocked off 3 ranked opponents on the road (for the purposes of chest-thumping, the JerraWorld game is being counted as a road game).  They face a Kentucky team that has looked downright awful this year.  Even worse than historical Vandy kind of awful which is pretty awful.  Finally, JJ Headkicker is back for the Tigers which, of course, sent LSU’s Aryan QB Fan Club immediately into catastrophe mode with fears of distractions, chemistry upsetting & black people in general.  Wake up, dipshits.  You might miss the great season LSU is about to have.  If I have to suffer an 8:20 AM kickoff, you can freaking deal with an experienced player coming back to a team that wanted him back.  Shocking concept I know, but it is what is, Rantards.          LSU 45, Kentucky 10

PS In your weekly Honey Badger news, Mo Isom is a babe. Honey Badger for Heisman, Mo Isom for Hawtsman!

Ohio St. -3 vs. Michigan St.
The Ohio St. plays MSU North in a game that I really don’t care about.  The Ohio St. isn’t as fun to make fun of now that their closeted serial killer Sweater Vest Man is gone.  I’m sure he received a couple of Buckeye helmet stickers for knowingly covering up NCAA violations, however.  Still funny how the Buckeyes got that special one game reprieve for the Sugar Bowl b/c, well, heh heh, the ascot & smoking jacket-wearing men who really run the world needed to make more tv money.  Yes, I stole that last joke from EDSBS but as Spencer would no doubt tell you, “it belongs to the world now.”          Ohio St. 31, Michigan St. 24

Bama -4 at Florida
Prepare for the Bama beat down Gators.  Ya little mighty mite running backs have looked stellar against Kerplockestan International, Lilliputian Atlantic, Trashessee & Sucktucky but now you’re facing the Houndstoothed Pachyderms.  What tricks will $aban & his defense have for Charlie Cheeseburger’s offense?  Or will there be any tricks at all & Bama will just bludgeon them with all the subtlety of a massive hammer?  Then again, Bama’s o-line has some questions & UF’s defensive line may be licking their chops; their reptilian, medulla oblongata, pea-brained chops.          Bama 30, Florida 20

Wisconsin -10 vs. Nebraska
Some peeples are already hyping  this game up as preview of the inaugural Big Ten 10 + X Championship Game.  Nebraska is just hoping they don’t get the shit kicked out of them in Wisconsin.  Wisconsin has been impressive with their light schedule so far & flying a bit under the radar a bit nationally.  Their acquisition of NC State transfer, Russell Wilson, has turned up trumps for them so far but Saturday will be the Badgers’ 1st real test.   Wisconsin indeed is likely tougher than Czechoslovakia though, mainly b/c Czechoslovakia doesn’t even exist anymore.       Wisconsin 28, Nebraska 27  

After Dinner Mintz For Week 4

Well, The Tiiiiiiiiiiiiiigers zoomed up to the #1 with a 47-21 shellacking of the Mountaineers.  Spin your 533 total yards of offense however you want, Mountain peeples, you still lost by 26.  At home.  On National TV.  Hooray for moral victories!

Friday Game
BYU -3 vs. UCF
Predicted score:  UCF 29, BYU 27          Actual score: BYU 24, UCF 17
SU: Lost; ATS: Lost

The battle of the ethnic-sounding onomatopoeias went to the BYUs as the Cougs scored 21 points in the 2nd half to come from behind over the Golden Knights.  Which means just like in life Cougars get better in the 2nd half.
Saturday’s Games
Notre Dame -7 at Pitt
Predicted score: Notre Dame 31, Pitt 30          Actual score: Notre Dame 15, Pitt 12 
SU: Won; ATS: Won

I didn’t see this game as Urban Meyer was doing the broadcast & I really didn’t feel like getting nauseous before the big LSU-West Virginia game.

Georgia -10 at Ole Miss
Predicted score: Georgia 27, Ole Miss 24          Actual score: Georgia 27, Ole Miss 13
SU: Won; ATS: Lost

Well, ya try to give a rival some credit & think they’ll play well at home & give their opponent a close game but Ole Miss (GEAUX TO HELL!) still somehow contrived to pee in their ice-t.  AFter getting pantsed by Vandy recently Ole Miss (GEAUX TO HELL!) should thank their lucky stars Kentucky is around b/c the Wild cats are the only team that’s looked more dreadful than Ole Piss. (GEAUX TO HELL!)

Bama -12 vs. Arkansas
Predicted score: Bama 26, Arkansas 17         Actual score: Bama 38, Arkansas 14
SU: Won; ATS: Lost 

Well, one of the 1st SEC West showdowns went to the Rolling Taaaaaaahde as $aban’s defense used Tyler Wilson as targeting practice for most of the afternoon.  it was close early but then Bama pulled away with excellent 2nd & 3rd quarters which Bama awarded themselves national championships for & then completed a hat-trick of new, ridiculous accounting of national championships when $aban actually smiled (well, it was more like a smirk) in mid-season when he stayed up all night after the game listening to audio of a snuff film of Wilson’s screams under the relentless Bama pass rush.

Texas A&M -4 vs.Oklahoma St.
Predicted score: Texas A&M 38, Oklahoma St. 28          Actual score: Oklahoma St. 30, Texas A&M 29
SU: Lost; ATS: Lost

Well, A&M somehow contrived to not show up for the second half & Brandon Wheedon wobbled but he didn’t fall down & led the Pokes to come from behind victory.  As A&M snatched defeat from the jaws of victory, it allows Oklahoma St. to march on towards a Big 12-X, Where X Equals Any Whole Number Conference Championship.  This speeds up their time-table for a conference championship by several years when they had hoped to win one by default as the last remaining conference team in 2017 & playing themselves & winning.

LSU -6.5 at West Virginia
Predicted score: LSU 24, West Virginia 14          Actual score: LSU 47, West Virginia 21
SU: Won; ATS: Won 

By any metric you would like to use The Tigers beat up the Mountaineers by the tune of a 26 point victory.  That didn’t stop Mountaineer fans, who are clearly hard up for program attention & recognition, to spin a nearly 4 TD loss as a moral victory b/c of 533 yards of total offense.  However, much to the chagrin (sorry, West Virginia, look the word up) of the Mountaineers let’s take a look at LSU-West Virginia by the numbers:

0 – the # of times a team that has had fewer points than their opponents have ever won a football game
0 – the # of times teams with more yardage but fewer points than their opponents have ever won a football game
0 – the # of times teams that do the above 2 feats will ever win a football game in the future
0 – the # of Honey Badgers that play for West Virginia
0 – the # of fake injuries by LSU against West Virginia
1 – the # of Honey Badgers that play for LSU
21 – the # of points West Virginia scored
26 – LSU’s margin of victory
47 – the # of points LSU scored
X – the # of points that West Virginia think they should’ve scored to win the game
254,433 – # of Mountaineers that are delusional to think that a 26 point loss at home can be spun as a moral victory
296,986 – # of Mountaineers that actually think they won the game
405,677 – # of Mountaineers that think “Fuck all this noise, let’s burn couches”
4,234,765 – the # of F-bombs that Dana Holgerson dropped on National TV
All-Day – The time that LSU & Tyrann Mathieu, Honey Badger was better than West Virginia

So in summation, people who think a 26 point defeat can be spun as a moral victory deserve a baby facepalm:

Stick to burning coaches, John Brown

Weekly Record: SU: 4-2; ATS: 2-4
Season Record: SU: 16-9, .640; ATS: 9-16, .360

So, How ‘Bout That Honey Badger?

Pretty Badass indeed, Sir!

As I mentioned in a previous post, Tyrann Mathieu, who is soon to be known nationally as the Honey Badger put on another fantastic display of ballhawking & creating turnovers & should be a Heisman contender.  Sorry, Mountaineers, Mathieus fumble strip & deflected pass & INT weren’t turnovers given to us except in only the most myopic & biased definition of turnovers.

I honestly believe he is, or should I say should be, the frontrunner for the Heisman Trophy if the Heisman were actually about what it’s claim is- to be given to the “best player in college football.”  However, historically the Heisman usually amounts to nothing more than an offensive fanboi award.  It’ll likely end up being given to the likes of Andrew Luck but if Heisman voters take the time to watch the Honey Badger & look beyond gaudy stat lines that normally blind people with their shininess, they might see what myself & a lot of my LSU brethren see- the bizarro, how-the-hell-does-he-do-it-OMG-I-can’t-believe-he-just-did-that-again ability of taking the ball from his opponents.

And, sorry Mountaineers.  I know you couldn’t stand Mathieu’s trash talking throughout the game & his preening on the sidelines but hey, when you’re a fucking phenomenon that might be transcending the sport itself, you’re allowed to be a bit mouthy & arrogant.

And, yes, LSU gave up 533 yards of offense & 463 yards of passing to the Mountaineers but that’s only b/c it was the will of the Honey Badger to be so & the Honey Badger’s will, thy be done.  Amen.  In nomine Patris, et Filii, et SpiritusMellivora capensis.

I’m reading a lot on the interwebz about Mathieu may be NFL ready right now but I’m not so sure.  I’m not sure only b/c he may even bypass the NFL altogether  & go straight into service alongside Chuck Norris protecting humanity from the dangers of the cosmos.  Coming to SyFy this fall, The Galactic Defenders Chronicles, the stories of Chuck Norris & the Honey Badger.

But for now The Honey Badger has his own Heisman Facebook page & a Mathieu for Heisman Twitter feed which also reminds me, if any of you twits Twitter then you can tweet me at my twatty Twitter twit feed.

Finally, someone’s made a new Mathieu Honey Badger video too:

‘Til next time Nuggeteers, HONEY BADGER DOESN’T GIVE A SHIT!

UPDATE: Tyrann Mathieu the Honey Badger has been named National Defensive Player of the Week (following Mo Claiborne last week; 2 weeks in a row an LSU Tiger has been honored).  Heisman, here comes the Honey Badger!

Resistance to the Honey Badger is futile

Nuggetz Testimonials!

Man, the site is really taking off!  Woo! I mean taking off like & leaping into the skies with all the height of a 3″ vertical.  Don’t take my word for it, take it from some satisfied Nuggeteers!:

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Tasty Nuggetz, Week 4!

Hey! Guess what!  I forgot my sheet again!  So I’ll just wing it & try to remember what I had planned.  I don’t know why I plan anything anyway.  None of my plans ever seem to pan out.  I mean plans are for rich people like Warren Buffet’s secretary anyway, I suppose.

But Week 4 is one of the last weeks before most people get into the meat & potatoes & their conference schedules which are soon to be SUPER CONFERENCES (epic booming echoing voice).  It’ll be like a college football Hall of Justice!  With SUPER CONFERENCES  (epic booming echoing voice).  This fall on saturday mornings on NBC! Check your local listings.

Friday’s Game
BYU  -3 vs. UCF
Did anybody ever notice that UCF if you were to say the abbreviation phonetically sounds like an onomatopoeia?  Well, maybe an onomatopoeia in German or some Scandinavian language like Swedenese or Norwegish.  Try it out. [Sven] “Hey Rolf, did you see the size of the reindeer?” (reindeer runs over Rolf) [Rolf] “Ucf! You bet your flergin durgasbergens I did.”  Meanwhile BYU sounds like it would be an onomatopoeia for when a Cajun smells some ripe carcass.  [Oleyfus] “Byuuuuuuu, boy, you smell dat?  Smells like somebody killed by da Mormon Mafia, meh yeh.”          UCF 29, BYU 27

Mormon mafia- never go against the family.  All 143 members of it.

Saturday’s Games
Notre Dame -7 at Pitt
Notre Dame won last week!  So with a record of 1-2, if it were 1990, Notre Dame would be ranked #7 in the country.  Thankfully, at least in college football terms, we don’t live in those days anymore.  It always struck me as funny everyone’s love for Notre Dame.  Oh, yeah, a Catholic football power is great but you put one on the seat of President & KAPOW!, he gets assassinated by the mob/communists/CIA/shape-shifting lizard aliens/B1G commissioner Delaney/whomever.   There, that should keep me on the domestic terror watch list for the 18th week in a row.          Notre Dame 31, Pitt 30

Georgia -10 at Ole Miss
Speaking of shape-shifting lizards, it’s about high time Houston Nutt shape-shifts back to Giggity from Nutthead.  Ole Miss (GEAUX TO HELL!) got absolutely pantsed by Vandy last week.  They looked absolutely dreadful… against Vandy.  Nutt is likely dead man walking at the end of this year & since I made a JFK reference in the last pick, it’s a nice segue to let you know that the last time Ole Miss (GEAUX TO HELL!) won an SEC or National title, JFK was president.  I’ll let that sink in fer yas a moment. (snickers) Across the sidelines is another coach who is on the hot seat / dead man walking list in Mark Richt.  The winner of this game may be able to stave off their mid-season execution until the end of the year.  Or maybe not.  But these teams are shite right now but Georgia has more momentum at the moment since they were pantsed by Vandy last week.          Georgia 27, Ole Miss 24

Giggity giggity!! Goo goo goo!! Giggity giggity!! Goo goo goo!!

Bama -12 vs. Arkansas
Bama is favored by 12 over one of the team supposedly going to challenge for the SEC West crown?!  Really?  What does Vegas know that we don’t?  Well, actually a lot most likely but that line seems really high to me.  I mean, I know a lot of people out there have mancrushes & bromances on Nick $atan but if Vegas is falling for it, I am really worried.  Color me skepicible & a Bama-hater but I’m all over Arkansas & the points like a defensive lineman is on Jay Cutler.          Bama 26, Arkansas 17

Texas A&M -4 vs. Oklahoma St.
Future SECers take on T. Boone Pickens’ Cowpokes in College Station.  This is a game that the winner of likely sets them up for a winner-take-all Big 12 – X, Where X Equals Any Whole Number Conference showdown with Oklahoma.  Okie St. has given up points in abundance so far this season & the Aggies are, well, I don’t know really.  I haven’t seen the Aggies play yet so I’m just taking a flyer on them since Okie St.’s D this year has been crap this year.  Not quite Arsenal of the EPL kind of crap but crap nonetheless.  Luckily for them they can put up points in bunches.  Man I like me dat Honey Bunches Of Oats cereal.          Texas A&M 38, Oklahoma St. 28

LSU -6.5 at West Virginia
Maaaaaaan, it’s so disappointing that West Virginia made couch burning a felony.  I mean that’s like not letting Irish people dance a jig.  Or letting Appalachian mountain folk not make moonshine.  Or not letting politicians rip everybody off.  I mean people will do what they will do.  I just hope people don’t burn The Hat’s hat in effigy if the Mountaineers pull off the win.  B/c you know they’ll be jacked up for this one since: A.  they’re nutty like SEC to begin with & will want to show they can beat an SEC big boy & 2. those mountain folk are a bit queer anyway.  Just think how hopping mad they’ll be if Obama follows through on his threat to kill the coal industry!  Not sure how that’ll work since the majority of our country’s electricity is produced by burning coal.  Boooooooooooooo, where’s the awful jokes, Curtísimo?  We want awful jokes over awful political commentary.  Winter is coming!  For everybody it seems not just House Stark of Winterfell.          LSU 24, West Virginia 14

What you looking at?  This is how I heat my house now the coal industry gonna go belly up.

Ooh! Speaking of House Stark, A Song Of Ice And Fire fans will like that in the Carling Cup in England on Tuesday evening that the Starks finally got one over on the Lannisters as Wolverhampton Wanderers, commonly known as Wolves, beat the Lions of Millwall, 5-0! Take dat you incestuous, scheming Lannisters! THE KING IN THE NORTH!

What a crazy time we live in… a Southron lad like meself pledging fealty to a Northman!  Then again, The Hat is a “Northman” anyway. Well, that’s your lot for this week.  So, now if you’ll excuse me I have to go get ignored by several womens on the dating site.

D’oh! Nuggetz Will Come Out Tomorrow

Like the sun, the Tasty Nuggetz will come out tomorrow, trusty Nuggeteers.  Because, you see, ol’ Chuckles/Curtísimo forgot his little cheat sheet with his games picked & crazy ideas at work.  Sheets known as “Curtis’ Brain” by the one day entrepeneur empire of REK.  So, no Nuggetz for now, which is the kind of service you have come to respect the Nuggetz for & it’s low, low price of Free.99.

So…. how’s ya’mom’an’nems?  They get that General Lee t-shirt yet?  In the meantime, if you fellows & fellowettes are into that kind of thing, here’s a basic rundown of West Virginga’s Air-Raid offense from andthevalleyshook.com, an excellent LSU blog.  Give dem boys some visits if yous into dat LSU thang, they put out a decent product which also is Free.99.

So I’ll end on this which is a sad, sad state of affairs in our perpetual decline into dictatorship or at the very least a nannyocracy- it is now a felony, yes, a felony to burn coaches in West Virginia.  Really, politician peeples, a felony?  Do people out there in internetland grasp that?  A freaking felony?  That means you go to prison & have “convicted felon” to put on your resume if you’re convicted of couch burning.

So, think about that for a minute.  Theoretically, you could destroy at your will, your property & say no one gets hurt.  BOOM! Tough shit- felony.  Man, I bet some pasty white dickheads & dickheadettes pat themselves on the back mightily for that law written.  Society is no doubt a better place after the passage of this law!  Never mind the crooks on Wall St. & Congress bleeding everybody dry in the slow death of our modern economy.  Nope!  We need to purge the earth of the scourge of couch burning!  Why, it’s almost as seedy & dangerous as mattress tag removal!  Hard time for couch burning?  Can’t wait for jail time for grandma when she burns the omelets on the skillet!

Man, any of you guys remember that time when I lived on Bayou Fountain & my cousin & I had that couch bonfire following the Ole Miss game ca. 1996?  Red Dog went tumbling into the ditch & gashed his leg on a concrete shard & Super Dave didn’t want to bring him to the hospital.  That party was EPIC.  I don’t even remember what happened in the game.  Man, good effing times!

Alas, poor Couch Burning! I knew him, Kippster,
a fellow of infinite jest, of most excellent fancy.

Week 3’s After Dinner Mintz!

Well, after hitting the Thursday & Friday game double, I thought Chuckles/Curtísimo was going to have a good week but much like his beloved Arsenal of the English Premier League on Saturday morning, a bright start was only a prelude to a second half that was shambolic & full of downright suckitude.

However, there was the golden nugget of sunshine that was the 30-7 Vandy ownination of Ole Miss (GEAUX TO HELL OLE MISS!).  Vandy, alas, was just a mere few minutes away from their 1st shutout since Lyndon B. Kennedy was President or something but Ole Miss (Geaux to Hell Ole Miss!) scored on a late TD scored by Trent Lott.  The 23-point margin of victory is also the biggest margin of victory for Vandy over an SEC opponent since a 49-19 victory over Moo St. when Otis Nixon was President.

Overall records going into Week 3
Straight Up (SU): 7-5, .583
Against The Spread (ATS): 5-7, .417

Thursday’s Game
LSU -4.5 at Moo St.
Predicted Score: LSU 27, Moo St. 20          Actual Score: LSU 19, Moo St. 6
Straight up: Won; Against the spread: Won 

Moo St. didn’t end up finding love against LSU.  Indeed, in about as dominating as a 19-6 win could be, the Moo Staters found an LSU defense that was not only “fucking hostile” but a bunch of “nasty boys” too.  (Thanks for the link, Les).  In fact, Moo St.’s offense looked like someone who had been trampled under hoof by a herd of crusher destroyers.  “Where strides the behemoth?,” you may ask yourself.  Well, this past Thursday it strode through Starkvegas in the form of some purple & gold sadistic, prehistoric robo-beast.  A giant tiger.  That was part Mastodon.  A Tigerdon.  Perhaps a Mastiger.  A Mastiger that feeds daily on ligers, Napoleon Dynamite.

Get used to gratuitous metal references of LSU’s defense all season long  as that’s what playing LSU’s defense is like- being stuck for 4 hours in a mosh pit in a European heavy metal music festival & being bludgeoned both physical & mentally.

Have good Mosh-Pitting!

Friday’s Game
Boise St. -20.5 at Toledo
Predicted score: Boise St. 41, Toledo 17          Actual score: Boise St. 40, Toledo 15
SU: Won; ATS: Won 

Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaawn.  So the only thing noteworthy about this game is I think I heard on ESPN that Kellen Moore won the Heisman during it.  So if any of you have a Heisman vote, go ahead & don’t waster your time voting because it’s apparently been done already.  Never mind that Tyrann Mathieu is the best damn player in all of college football.  But everybody go ahead & keep thinking the Heisman is fucking relevant.  Would love to see somebody like Moore have to face SEC defenses every week. Blah blah blah Georgia, yeah whatever.  Have him face Bama & LSU’s secondaries & get back to me.  Perhaps either one could paint the Superdome’s turf blue with the blood of Broncos in the BCS title game in January.

Saturday’s Games
Clemson -3.5 vs. Auburn
Predicted score: Clemson 31, Auburn 30          Actual Score: Clemson 38, Auburn 24
SU: Won; ATS: Lost 

The beginning of the end for the Crystal Asterisk kingdom?  Auburn’s luck finally ran out on Saturday & frankly, their defense was shredded, yet again.  It does not bode well for their SEC outlook long-term.  In fact, if Auburn may end up doing so poorly people will quickly revert to the “Chiznik” interpretation of Coach Chizik’s name.

Notre Dame -4.5 vs. Michigan St.
Predicted score: Michigan St. 28, Notre Dame 24          Actual score: Notre Dame 31, Michigan St. 13
SU: Lost; ATS: Lost

Sportwriters’ nipples across the country were hard with Notre Dame bromance love since the Irish actually won a game.  And over a ranked opponent too.  So at 1-2 I think this qualifies Notre Dame for a BCS berth in some subtle bowl contractual clause.  The one where it says Notre Dame bromance wins are worth 4 for every other school.  Just think if Saban coached at Notre Dame?  The sportwriters would never write another article because they would be too busy masturbating to the ultimate football dream- the iconic school (the only time people aren’t afraid of Catholics!) & the archetype coach (he’s like The Bear with better hair!).

Florida -9 vs. Tennessee
Predicted score: Florida 23, Tennessee 21          Actual score: Florida 33, Tennesee 23 
SU: Won; ATS: Lost 

Well, as much as the officials tried to keep this one close for me with Florida’s 843 PI penalties, Tennessee just wouldn’t be outdone with their mega, Costco-like savings combo of 1312 missed tackles & 667 dropped passes.  Tyler Bray’s got moxie, I’ll give him that.  Actually Ted Williams will give him Moxie.

Ted Williams says, "Drink Moxie," Jortsy

USC -17 vs. Syracuse
Predicted score: USC 20, Syracuse 14          Actual score: USC 38, Syracuse 17 
SU: Won; ATS: Lost 

No, Lane, relax.  Moxie isn’t what you have.  You have a different kind of bravado, a different kind of braggadocio.  You have what experts call “doucheness.”  In fact, you may be the Douchiest Man In The World.  Lane Kiffin: “I don’t always drink beer.  But when I do, I prefer Douche Equis.”

Miami (Fla.) -3 vs. Ohio St. 
Predicted score: Ohio St. 34, Miami (Fla.) 24          Actual score: Miami (Fla.) 24, Ohio St. 6
SU: Lost; ATS: Lost

The IneligiBowl goes to Da U!  Gee whiz, did the Ohio St. look pathetic.  They had something paltry like 23 yards until 2 completions on the final 2 plays that jacked that total up to like 50.  Jacory Harris still sucks though.  He’s like the college football version of Tony Romo.  If he played somewhere like say, oh, I don’t know, Kentucky, you would never hear the end of how bad he plays.  But since he’s a QB at Da U, he “fights through adversity,” “he’s a ‘gamer’.”  You know what a gamer is?  A guy who sucks.  It ain’t adversity when you create 3 adversities per game.  Adversity is what happens to you, not what you cause yourself.  Those are called mistakes.

PS Have you heard of Curtísimo’s Tony Romo Theory of Over-Hypedness (TRTOH)? The TRTOH is when a player gets elevated to a certain status or talent level just because of the team he plays on by the media & not his actual talent level.  I.e. QBs in Dallas, regardless of how many times they shit the bed are viewed better than say a QB in Detroit or St. Louis, etc.  
Records Following Week 3
Weekly Record- SU: 5-2; ATS: 2-5
Overall Record- SU: 12-7, .632; ATS: 7-12, .368

Tasty Nuggetz OMG-Last-Minute-Got Stuck-At-Work-And-Almost-Forgot Weekend Picks, Week 3!

Well, intrepid Nuggeteers, ‘ol Chuckles/Curtísimo got stuck at work trying to finish some editing for a project & then came home & got himself locked in a battle with sleep causing your favorite snack treat, The Tasty Nuggetz, to come to you late & on gameday for most of you.  Which, of course, means most of you won’t even read this until Sunday or Monday b/c the lot of you have actually lives & responsibilities to do.

How ’bout them Tigers?  Not a fan of Dr. Saturday’s work but there ya go.  LSU’s defense so far this year has been NASTY.  I mean that in the good way.  “My first name ain’t, ‘Baby.’  It’s ‘Les.’  ‘Mr. Miles,’  if ya nasty.”

You’ll read more about LSU in the After Dinner Mintz.  As Curtis needs to grab a late bite to eat & then some more sleep before getting up to watch his beloved Gunners in an English Premier League match at 3 AM (EVERY game in Alaska, football or soccer is a “day” game, so no more complaints about ‘day games’ around me, fellow Tigahs!), let’s get straight to the Nuggetz!

Saturday
Clemson -3.5 vs. Auburn
Everybody in Barnerland has been seemingly suffering from a post-Crystal Asterisk hangover.  This includes Spirit, Auburn’s eagle who recently flew into a window in his pre-game flying ritual.  People in the media don’t have the balls to pose this sort of question or joke but- Was this some sort of protest or show of solidarity or homage to the 10th anniversary of 9/11?  The game was on 9/10, after all.  Sadly enough, tribute or not, this antic has no doubt landed Spirit on DHS’ domestic terrorist watch list.  Especially seeing as Spirit is rumored to be a member of the “racist” Tea Party movement & has several Ron Paul bumper stickers adorned in his aviary.  Ppppshhheeeeeeuuuuur!!!          Clemson 31, Auburn 30

War Eagle is watching you joke about 9/11 and is reporting you as a Freedom Hater, Chuckles

Notre Dame -4.5 vs. Michigan St.
Speaking of important anniversaries, it’s the 5 year anniversary of “The Rant.”  You think Chuckles/Curtísimo can rant?  You think Dennis Miller can rant?  You think Rantards over at The Rant can rant?  Hell, no.  ALL YOUR RANTS ARE BELONG TO MIKE VALENTI- (part 1 & part 2).  Never forget- “MAKE PLAYS!!”  If there was a pic of Patenge sitting alone & despondent 25 yards away from the tailgate proper, I’d post the link HERE.  Anyway, I guess everybody will forever pick Notre Dame as a good team until they actually get good again & then they’ll harangue you with all the “see I told you sos!” despite being wrong for 1,865 times in a row.          Michigan St. 28, Notre Dame 24

Sticky note stick man representation of Patenge following historic Michigan St. choke job at Notre Dame

Florida -9 vs. Tennessee
This rivalry has lost a bit of its luster in recent years as the Vols have endured a rough going in the post-Donut Boy era.  Similarly, the Gators endured a completely bizarro, WTF year last year complete with brain spider cyst/mega-acid reflux death disease/OCD panic attack disorder/whatever that afflicted Pope Urban so much he had to retire in year 1 AT (anno tebow/after Tebow).  Enter the Muschamp & the Dooley, two former Saban apostles.  Both have their work cut out for them this year, Dooley more so than Moosechamp, but both guys are pretty intense & this game should be as well.           Florida 23, Tennessee 21

USC -17 vs. Syracuse
Syracuse are now called the Orange & not the Orangemen? When did this happen & how did I miss it?  Seriously, pc-gestapo?  Was “Orangemen” offensive to some ethnic /political group?  Perhaps, say, people with really bad orange fake & bake tans?  Or was it just offensive because it had “-men” in the name.  Yeah, b/c people are too fucking dense to understand women can’t be involved with “-men” in the title.  Does that mean one day  the pc-gestapo will eventually change plurals in Romance languages since they take the masculine forms in their usage?  There is no truth to the rumor that the other citrus fruits will sue Syracuse for lack of presentation though or that oranges feel aggrieved at the use of “Orange.”          USC 20, Syracuse 14

Miami (Fla.)  -3 vs. Ohio St.
Da U vs. The Ohio St. in what was being dubbed the “Ineligibowl” recently in teh Twitterverse & teh Internets.  I’m sure you could find all manners of wagers on a myriad of possible infractions between the two teams on British & Asian betting sites b/c those nutty foreign bastards bet on everything.  Miami has the recent possible death penalty-level scandal looming in their near future & Ohio St. guillotined the Sweater Vest in the offseason forcing the cancellation of the usage of tried & true sweater vest & creepy white people jokes by old Chuckles/Curtísimo.   Which means I’m rather bereft of a joke here for this game other than “Ohio St.- they can’t even cheat as good as the SEC either”          Ohio St. 34, Miami (Fla.) 24

Blue chip criminal recruit has tough time deciding between Miami & Ohio St.

Tasty Nuggetz Midweek Picks, Week 3!

Thursday’s Game
LSU -4.5 at Moo State
Can Moo State ever find love again in the SEC? Though they have that sole SEC title game appearance back in the 90s (I bet that burns Ole Miss [GEAUX TO HELL!] fans), it’s been bare pickings (no relation to T. Boone) in Starkvegas for over a decade.  Though they were seeming to turn a corner the last couple years with taking the scalp of Florida last year, nearly taking LSU’s scalp in the rain in ’09 the last time we met in Starkvegas & taking last year’s Crystal Asterik winner, Auburn, to the wire… literally last week.  I was really leery of this game a couple of weeks ago before our defense showed itself to be truly fucking hostile versus Oregon & Northwestern St., the latter to whom they allowed -4 yards rushing last week.  With the recent release of LSU’s Nike Pro Combat unis to be worn against Auburn, they’ll be even more fucking hostile as they kind of resemble a football version of Imperial Stormtroopers.  Now, for Moo St. I’m only a little leery.  Although playing in Starkvegas with an improved Moo State squad who is looking for love & on a Thursday Night prime time game has the potential to be a trap for the Tigers but I’ll take Da Tigahs by a Touchdown.  I’m not sure why I capitalized touchdown in that last sentence.         LSU 27, Moo St. 20

Looking for love in Starkvegas requires some initiative

Friday’s Game
Boise St. -20.5 at Toledo
(Scene from over the summer)
Boise: Yeah, boy! We’ll play anybody, anywhere!  BCS busters, baby!  Anybody! Anytime! Anywhere!
Toledo: Ooh! Ooh! Over here! We need a game, Boise.
Boise (ignoring Toledo): What? Hunh?  No takers?  You all scared or what?  Where’s all them big schools, hunh?  We’ll play anybody, anywhere, baby!
Toledo:  Ooh! Ooh! Excuse me?! Boise?  Ooh! Right here, we need a game!  You can come to Toledo too!
Boise (still ignoring Toledo): You all wimps or what? Anybody, anywhere, fools!
Toledo: Ooh! Ooh! Right here, Boise! Right HERE!
Boise (finally acknowledging Toledo with a disgusted sigh): What? Oh, Hi.  Are you um… here to schedule us a game with Ohio St.?
Toledo: Um, no.  We want to play you guys.  But we are in Ohio.  You guys said you’d play “anybody, anywhere,” right?
Boise: Uhhhh, yes.  But, but we meant…
Toledo: “Anybody, anywhere?”
Boise: But…
Toledo: Anybody. Anywhere.
Boise: But…
Toledo: ANYBODY. ANYWHERE.
Boise: (sighs with reluctance) Ok, ok.  We’ll come play in Ohio.  In Toledo… can you guys at least get us some Mud Hens hats?
Toledo: Done!

And thus, Boise will be forced to play in Toledo but luckily for Boise, ESPN will still no doubt verbally fellate them all game long as ESPN is wont to do.  Plus, Boise St. recently took its first official step in trying to be like a BCS school.          Boise St. 41, Toledo 17

Wish Boise St. was playing the Mud Hens, one of the best minor league team names EVAR

PS Honey Badger for Heisman update! The Honey Badger has is own Honey Badger for Heisman Facebook page! Click the link & hit the ‘Like’ button if you don’t give a shit (like the Honey Badger).  

Proposed Conference Names For Future Super Conferences

Chuckles / Curtisimo’s stealthy, invisible ninjas spy squad has recently obtained an internal document from the ESPN headquarters in the seventh layer of Hell.  The document is a list of the proposed names of the future “super conferences” that will eventually grace thecollege football landscape as BCS conferences teams seek to maximize their revenue & bow to ESPN’s never-ending ruining of college football to fit their TV advertising behemoth.

                                                                                                                                                                                       ESPN
Worldwide Leader In Sports

To: ESPN Overlords In Charge Of Ruining College Football
From: Research & Creative Department
Date: July 4, 2011
Subject: Proposed Future “Super” Conference names

ACC proposed names
At Least We’re Not The Big East Conference
Basketball On Grass Conference
SEC, 2nd Division Conference
Some Of Our Teams Are Mistaken For The SEC Conference
That Florida St. & Miami Scheme Hasn’t Been Working Out The Last Few Years Conference

Big East conference proposed names
Adding Big To The Conference Name Makes Us Big Time Conference
Hey, The ACC Ain’t Much Better Than Us Conference
If It Were Basketball, We’d Kick Your Ass Conference
Northeast Thinks We’re Hot Shit Conference
Well, It Was Fun When Rich Rodriguez Was Around Conference

Big Ten conference proposed names
Big Ten + X, Where X Equals Any Whole Positive Number Conference
Dammit, One Day We’ll Come Up With Some Bullshit Rule To Catch The SEC Conference
If Notre Dame Had Joined We Would’ve Had It All Conference
No, Really, We Can Count Conference
We Can’t Even Cheat As Well As The SEC Conference

Big 12 conference proposed names
Big 12 – X, Where X Equals Any Whole Positive Number Conference
Endangered Species Conference
Head West To The Pacific 12/14/16 Conference
Texas, Please Don’t Leave! Conference
The Incredible Shrinking Conference

Conference USA proposed names
America, Fuck Yeah! Conference
Freedom Fries Conference
Conference Lee Greenwood
Conference Red, White & Blue
Conference Stars & Stripes

Independents proposed names
Military Academies & Other Prick Schools
Notre Dame & The Little Dwarves
Schools Who Think They’re Too Much Of Cash Cows To Belong In A Conference
Seriously, Who Invited BYU?
Texas Coming Soon!

Mountain West proposed names
If Montana Ever Goes I-A They’re Ours Conference
NORAD Conference
Pacific-12 East Conference
We Ain’t The Midwest! Conference
Where’s That Rumored BCS Bid? Conference

Pacific 12 proposed names
At Least We Have The Right Number In The Name Conference
Aztlán Conference
One Day Will Fall Into The Pacific Conference
Pacific-12, A Subsidiary Of Nike Conference
USC & Their Apostles Conference

SEC proposed names
Conference ESPN
Diet NFL Conference
NFL Light Conference
SEC Premier League
Super Elite Conference

Sun Belt conference proposed names
Bible Belt Conference
Guns & Jesus Conference
Yes, We Really Are A I-A/FBS Conference
SEC, 3rd Division Conference
UAB & ULM Beat Nick Saban Back In The Day Conference

WAC proposed names
Did The Pac-12 Call Yet? Conference
Shhhh, If You Don’t Tell Them, East Coast People Will Think We’re The Mountain West Conference
The WAC Isn’t Wack Conference
Where’d Air Force & BYU Go? Conference
You Can WAC Us All Day & We Can’t Still Can’t Come To A BCS Bowl Conference