LSU v. Washington; USA v. Jamaica; Arshavin Stays At Arsenal

A trifecta of teams’ news for you today.  Man, I took the day off from work yesterday (9/6) because my sinuses were acting up pretty good & had all day to post something & I couldn’t get around ’til today (9/7) which is actually just before bed for me yesterday (9/6).  Um, which is still actually “today” (9/6) at the moment for me.  Got it?  Good.

LSU
LSU -24 vs. Washington

Once again, we’re bringing a Tiger to a dog fight, so once again I like our chances…

Ok, I’ll start with the LSU stuff because I don’t near keep up with the daily ins & outs of the Tigers as I should.  For all the immersion 24/7 of LSU football back home, I quite enjoy the sort of daily detachment I have from Da Tigahs up here in Anchorage.  I certainly enjoy being detached from the nitpicking of the team.

Hope you’re not too hungry because this is your only Tasty Nugget of the week right here in LSU-Washington.  I know, I know, “how the mighty have fallen!”  “What is the world coming to?”  “The Nuggetz ain’t what they used to be.”  “The Nuggetz have gone ‘pop.’ ”  And other sundry & assorted platitudes & clichés.  But it is what it is these days.

So did you like over the summer how The Hat, who has a penchant for eating grass, kicked the Honey Badger off of LSU’s football team (though he just recently re-enrolled in school following finishing a portion of his rehab program) for chronic smoking of grass?  Like how I used the double entendre pun with ‘chronic?’  Cunning linguists still aren’t impressed, however.  Anyway, eating grass got rid of smoking grass all the while the grass in Tiger Stadium got soaked for Hurricane Isaac.  So you can eat your grass, cut your grass, soak your grass & I think even lay your grass (another double entendre) but you just can’t smoke it.  Speaking of things that are smoked, that will be the Huskies as the Mettenchrist still looks spotty but LSU has too many horses in the stable & too many Mastodons that bring Blood & Thunder on the D-line that offset LSU’s concerns in the secondary.  But 24 points?  I don’t know about 24 points… hope I’m wrong.

LSU 30, Washington 17

This is the kind of song that should be put as highlight music, not that dance-sounding crap

USMNT
The US national team faces Jamaica tonight/tomorrow night… damn it, on Friday.  There.  The mighty US of freaking A plays Jamaica away in Kingston on Friday night in their third CONCACAF second round group World Cup Qualifier & currently lead Group A on goal difference after two matches.

The US has never lost to Jamaica enjoying  an 11-0-9 overall record, scoring 34 goals & allowing 12 in those 20 matches.  The USA’s largest win ever was a 5-0 in a friendly against the Reggae Boyz on May 16th, 2002.  Josh Wolff with 2, Clint Mathis, Landon Donovan, & DaMarcus Beasley were the goalscorers on that day.

The US also enjoyed a 5-1 win in 1999 but a draw is usually on the cards when the US travels to the isle of Jamaica & with key players Landon Donovan & Michael Bradley out with injuries & Clint Dempsey having not yet played in the EPL following his holdout with Fulham & subsequent transfer to Lasagnaham, I think I smell another draw.  A draw wouldn’t be bad at this stage of qualification but if a draw is what’ll happen then that definitely means it is in the USA’s interests to get the full three points in the return match with Jamaica in Columbus, Ohio on Tuesday.

I couldn’t tell you who plays for Jamaica these days so I had to go to their wiki page just to even get a name.  And looking at their recent roster, it’s no wonder I had trouble recalling any names.  Only two players play in England & only one of those, Adrian Mariappa, plays in the Premier League for Reading.  Although the other player who plies his trade in England, Nyron Nosworthy, has Premier League experience when he was at Sunderland.

But a national team in their home country, even in CONCACAF, is never to be taken lightly, so hopefully Jürgen Klinsmann will have the Yanks ready to play.  I still think this match has 1-1 written all over it.

Prediction:   Jamaica 1-USA 1

ARSENAL
Finally, a few Arsenal tidbits to end this post.  We’ll start off with Andrei Arshavin turning down a move to Dinamo (or is it Dynamo?) Moscow.  The Russian transfer window closed yesterday, so it looks like Arshavin will be staying with Gunners unless a domestic loan is worked out with somebody.  Hey, doesn’t Liverpool need attackers?  Get those knuckleheads on the phone & tell them we have a hot tip on a diminutive Russian attacker named Kennady Dalglishikov & then plop Arshavin down on their doorstep & get the hell out of Liverpool before we’re forced to hear Beatles songs.  Ahhhh, the Beatles.  Just like Liverpool- once great & completely overrated in my book.

On a curious note, Arsène Wenger has blocked a loan move for reserve/U21 player (that U21 thing will still take a little getting used to), Conor Henderson.  The young Irish midfielder is coming off a knee injury that made him miss all of last season but there were several clubs that interested in his services on loan.  However, Wenger has stated he wants to see Henderson’s development continue at the club but to the slight annoyance of Henderson.  Henderson wants the chance to play first team football/soccer, a chance he obviously won’t get at Arsenal, so to keep him at the club & stick him in the reserves is a bit odd, even for Wenger.  I’m not sure what to make of it really.

Finally, those who want some good news, here’s some about Steve Bould where Wenger is singing his praises for the defensive work we’ve done so far this season.  The Arsenal blogosphere, myself included, has definitely noticed the how much better we look as an actual cohesive unit in defense these days & to a man have pretty much thought it was at least in part due to Steve Bould coming in as Wenger’s right hand man.  The defense is so far the overlooked part (because “Arsenal can’t score anymore!” sells more papers) of the season & we’re the only club in the league, the entire football league not just the EPL, to have not conceded yet.  Long may it continue & the likes of Adrian Derpham can sing the old “boring, boring Arsenal” songs all they want.

And, of course some “bad” news.  Apparently Bacary Sagna might be the next Gunner to leave.  Or not.  Or maybe so.  Or maybe not.  He apparently made some comments in L’Equipe that can be construed as him being upset.  Whatever.  If he goes, he goes & if he stays, he stays.  It ain’t rocket surgery.  If he goes I’m sure we’ll just get some other right back from France or maybe move Francis Coquelin there permanently or promote Nico Yennaris from the reserves.  I just can’t be bothered with this kind of shit anymore.  If you want to go join the silverware parade at the Mancunster clubs or €hel$ki than go do it.

Anyway, hopefully my sinuses get better since Anchorage has a Mardi Gras fest in the fall tomorrow, er, this evening.  Tonight.  The 7th.  Damn it.  Friday evening.  Whatever.

To Brandon Ellis!: LSU-North Texas Review!

You ready for some LSU football, son?

LSU/college football stuff finally?! Alright, Curtísimo’s finally not blabbing on about that “gay-ass soccer,” amirite?!  Now, this game review will be a little all over the place since I’ll be trying to recall from memory & as it was the season opener, I was a bit buzzed by the second quarter.  Also, as many of you who know me know, I tend to write stream-of-unconsciousness anyway & as aforementioned that consciousness may be a bit hazy…

LSU defeats North Texas, 41-14.

Obviously, with an opponent such as North Texas it was always to be a bit of Christians-to-the-lions stuff, but I’ll be honest- offensively, I was a bit disappointed in the passing game & particularly in pass protection.  We racked up just over 500 yards of total offense, but at times we didn’t look good to me.  I am hoping it’s just first game rust, but the pass protection was definitely noticeable to me that there was some confusion.  Without being in the huddle or on the field, I can only guess as whether it was the OLine or Mettenberger missing protection calls (he was sacked twice & got his bell rung a bit on another).

I’m one of the biggest proponents of the mantra of  “you don’t have to be the best team in the country, you just have to be the best team on the field,” and against North Texas, we obviously were but I would’ve liked us to look a bit crisper.

Be advised, this is only a minor complaint but I also hope Zach Mettenberger’s performance at QB will remind people that it’s not simply a question of having talent, stepping in & zinging the ball all over the place like in a video game.  He looked hesitant on a few occasions, and like many of us know, it’s one thing to look good in a spring game or in a scrimmage, it’s another to do it against a live opponent.  His stat line wasn’t bad (19 of 26, 192 yards, 1 TD, 1 INT, 2 sacks) but his hesitation on occasion, led to him nearly getting injured right off the bat.  I don’t need to tell you all that needs to get better for SEC play or even next week against Washington.

Player Grades
Quarterbacks (C+):   see comments above about Mettenberger but on Saturday I was personally underwhelmed & I thought he was more Mettenswaggert on Saturday than Mettenchrist.  Expectations are high for Mettenberger after the “two-headed dumpster fire” era that was Jordan Jefferson & Jarrett Lee but I admittedly was a bit disappointed in #8 on Saturday night.  He did throw a nice TD pass to Kadron Boone, but there’s plenty of stuff to improve on.  Luckily, there’s plenty of time to do it.  I wasn’t too pleased with the seemingly shorter range passing game we insisted on too.  You’re playing North Texas.  Challenge them deep a few times.  Use it as some deep-passing drills.

Running Backs (A):   Kenny Hilliard & Alfred Blue were both outstanding & Blue showed why he was given the starting nod over Michael Ford & Hilliard, the latter whom was the go to back in short yardage by the end of the last season.  Hilliard went off for 141 & Blue went for 123 & the running game totalled 316 yards in all.  I’d also like to highlight fullback, J.C. Copeland.  His stats for a big bruiser & blocker (listed at 272) were fantastic (4 carries, 33 yards & a TD), and he had a terrific run in the first half where he broke tackle & rumbled to 16-yard gain.  Keep an eye out for JC to maybe get some key 3rd & short carries later on in the year after that performance.  No complaints at all with the horses.

Wide Receivers (B):   I can’t really recall anything great about the WRs.  Nothing bad, though either,  I don’t recall any glaring drops, something that’s plagued us over the years, even when we were loaded.  Jarvis Landry led this group with 8 carries for 82 yards & Kadron Boone nabbed a 34-yard TD pass from Mettenberger

Offensive Line (B-):  Run blocking- pretty darn good.  Pass blocking- pretty damn sketchy, especially considering the level of opponent.  Two sacks were given up, one of which could’ve easily had been a “kill shot” on Mettenberger.  It was a real concern by the second half & against a more quality opponent could’ve been a game-changer.  As I stated above, without being in the huddle or on the field, not sure who was at fault, the OLine or the QB, but it was a bit obvious to me, some protection assignments were getting missed.  Especially since North Texas was getting pressure through the middle too.  Unacceptable against an opponent like North Texas.

Placekickers (A):  Drew Alleman kicked well, though he did miss one field goal attempt.  I don’t recall kickoffs so I’ll leave that be.

Defensive Line (A-):   No sacks, but tons of pressure all night long.  That should be standard considering we can go literally 10-deep on the line if we want now.

Linebacker (B/I):  I don’t really remember anything about the linebackers other than someone played wearing #52.  Hopefully that isn’t Thomas effin’ Dunson (it’s not, it’s Luke Muncie).

Defensive Backs (B-):  Reid came up with a nice pick but was beaten for the long TD pass which was exacerbated by Craig Loston having way too tight of an attack angle as the 1-deep safety.  THose combined for a play where North Texas popped an 80-yard TD pass.  Against North Texas, that’s forgivable.  Against a quality opponent, again this can be a game-changer.

Punters (B):   No Punterswag, Brad Wing, but Les Miles being Les Miles just replaced one Aussie punter with another- Jamie Keehn.  I seem to recall he shanked one punt a bit, but had a 51-yarder on another.

Returners (A):   Honey Badger who?  ODB had one punt return call back due to a flag, so instead he just returned the next one for a TD, this time the play stood.  No concerns here at all.

Summary
Overall, it was a good game.  Fun to have LSU football back.  The team had first game rust (pass protection issues, too many pre-snap penalties) but opponents like North Texas are supposed to be glorified scrimmages for the level of our program is these days.  We definitely played a bit of the second half with the “handbrake” on, to borrow a phrase from Arsenal manager, Arsène Wenger, & we will certainly need better execution in the pass protection as we play a decent BCS opponent in Washington next week.

For some extra fun & learnin’, ATVS’ excellent writer, Billy Gomila’s 2-parter (Part 1, Part 2) on passing game concepts we’re likely to see some more of now that LSU has a real QB.  Here’s his recap of Saturday night’s game as well.

 Geaux Tigers!

Not Much New Today

It’s much the same today as it’s been in recent days for Arsenal- no new signings & just waiting patiently for Robingeddon to come although there was the OMG-Shirt-Number-Crisis today as Podolski hasn’t officially been given a number because he’s supposedly holding out for #10 when/if van Persie leaves…

Um, please explain, Media, how this is a crisis?  Either van Persie is leaving- which has been rumored for, oh, I don’t know, several weeks now- & Podolski will have the #10 shirt or van Persie stays & Podolski picks a another number.  Yes, complete end-of-the-world stuff there.  How ever will the club make it through this new crisis?!

Never mind that a club can de-register & then re-register a player to a different number during the season, but don’t let the facts get in the media’s way of whipping all you knee-jerk reactors into a frenzied rabble of humanity!!  If that’s a crisis, or Arsenal’s “near loss” the other day a crisis, then what is this for Chelsea?

“Spend sum feckin muney, Wengermans!!” (HT: TJ)

Meanwhile the BBC is urging van Persie to go to ManUre.  Wherever he goes, I hope his injury history crops up again.  There, I said it.  Yes, even if “goes” to us (by staying).  Maybe it’ll slap some humility into the Dutchman.

Speaking of mad, frenzied rabble earlier, this LSU article will likely have reactionary Les Miles haters & knob-slurping Sabanites whipped into a nice psychotic froth with ideas of “Why dat Dummyhead Miles is running d’ball when we got the Mettenchrist & his big cannon arm?!! Throw it deep, Dummyhead Miles!”

I don’t care how we score, running, passing, kick returns, RUNNING THE OPTION, OH NOES!, whatever.  Just win, dammit.

And even though the utter & outright naked corruption & cheating done at the last Olympics in Beijing (I’m looking at you, Boxing) pretty much burnt me out on caring about the Olympics too much (save for from Lolo Jones), here’s a story about the U.S. Olympic Team’s chosen flag bearer for the opening ceremonies.  And she’s a babe named Mariel Zagunis.  A babe who is a fencer.  So watch your manners around her, boys, lest she slices & dices your manhood.

Oh & here’s another Olympic article about the IOC hoping against hope that the memory of the Munich Olympics massacre of Israeli athletes will just go away & hope you don’t notice by Dan Wetzel.  Wetzel does top-notch work & he hits another home run with this one.  Everybody knows the IOC, much like FIFA, has been run by crooks & cronies for years who care more about kickbacks & gifts than any actual sporting spectacle or having to get involved in actual politics surrounding the Olympics.

Lolo Jones, LSU alum & World Class hurdler & also a complete babe

So, How ‘Bout That Honey Badger?

Pretty Badass indeed, Sir!

As I mentioned in a previous post, Tyrann Mathieu, who is soon to be known nationally as the Honey Badger put on another fantastic display of ballhawking & creating turnovers & should be a Heisman contender.  Sorry, Mountaineers, Mathieus fumble strip & deflected pass & INT weren’t turnovers given to us except in only the most myopic & biased definition of turnovers.

I honestly believe he is, or should I say should be, the frontrunner for the Heisman Trophy if the Heisman were actually about what it’s claim is- to be given to the “best player in college football.”  However, historically the Heisman usually amounts to nothing more than an offensive fanboi award.  It’ll likely end up being given to the likes of Andrew Luck but if Heisman voters take the time to watch the Honey Badger & look beyond gaudy stat lines that normally blind people with their shininess, they might see what myself & a lot of my LSU brethren see- the bizarro, how-the-hell-does-he-do-it-OMG-I-can’t-believe-he-just-did-that-again ability of taking the ball from his opponents.

And, sorry Mountaineers.  I know you couldn’t stand Mathieu’s trash talking throughout the game & his preening on the sidelines but hey, when you’re a fucking phenomenon that might be transcending the sport itself, you’re allowed to be a bit mouthy & arrogant.

And, yes, LSU gave up 533 yards of offense & 463 yards of passing to the Mountaineers but that’s only b/c it was the will of the Honey Badger to be so & the Honey Badger’s will, thy be done.  Amen.  In nomine Patris, et Filii, et SpiritusMellivora capensis.

I’m reading a lot on the interwebz about Mathieu may be NFL ready right now but I’m not so sure.  I’m not sure only b/c he may even bypass the NFL altogether  & go straight into service alongside Chuck Norris protecting humanity from the dangers of the cosmos.  Coming to SyFy this fall, The Galactic Defenders Chronicles, the stories of Chuck Norris & the Honey Badger.

But for now The Honey Badger has his own Heisman Facebook page & a Mathieu for Heisman Twitter feed which also reminds me, if any of you twits Twitter then you can tweet me at my twatty Twitter twit feed.

Finally, someone’s made a new Mathieu Honey Badger video too:

‘Til next time Nuggeteers, HONEY BADGER DOESN’T GIVE A SHIT!

UPDATE: Tyrann Mathieu the Honey Badger has been named National Defensive Player of the Week (following Mo Claiborne last week; 2 weeks in a row an LSU Tiger has been honored).  Heisman, here comes the Honey Badger!

Resistance to the Honey Badger is futile

Tasty Nuggetz, Week 4!

Hey! Guess what!  I forgot my sheet again!  So I’ll just wing it & try to remember what I had planned.  I don’t know why I plan anything anyway.  None of my plans ever seem to pan out.  I mean plans are for rich people like Warren Buffet’s secretary anyway, I suppose.

But Week 4 is one of the last weeks before most people get into the meat & potatoes & their conference schedules which are soon to be SUPER CONFERENCES (epic booming echoing voice).  It’ll be like a college football Hall of Justice!  With SUPER CONFERENCES  (epic booming echoing voice).  This fall on saturday mornings on NBC! Check your local listings.

Friday’s Game
BYU  -3 vs. UCF
Did anybody ever notice that UCF if you were to say the abbreviation phonetically sounds like an onomatopoeia?  Well, maybe an onomatopoeia in German or some Scandinavian language like Swedenese or Norwegish.  Try it out. [Sven] “Hey Rolf, did you see the size of the reindeer?” (reindeer runs over Rolf) [Rolf] “Ucf! You bet your flergin durgasbergens I did.”  Meanwhile BYU sounds like it would be an onomatopoeia for when a Cajun smells some ripe carcass.  [Oleyfus] “Byuuuuuuu, boy, you smell dat?  Smells like somebody killed by da Mormon Mafia, meh yeh.”          UCF 29, BYU 27

Mormon mafia- never go against the family.  All 143 members of it.

Saturday’s Games
Notre Dame -7 at Pitt
Notre Dame won last week!  So with a record of 1-2, if it were 1990, Notre Dame would be ranked #7 in the country.  Thankfully, at least in college football terms, we don’t live in those days anymore.  It always struck me as funny everyone’s love for Notre Dame.  Oh, yeah, a Catholic football power is great but you put one on the seat of President & KAPOW!, he gets assassinated by the mob/communists/CIA/shape-shifting lizard aliens/B1G commissioner Delaney/whomever.   There, that should keep me on the domestic terror watch list for the 18th week in a row.          Notre Dame 31, Pitt 30

Georgia -10 at Ole Miss
Speaking of shape-shifting lizards, it’s about high time Houston Nutt shape-shifts back to Giggity from Nutthead.  Ole Miss (GEAUX TO HELL!) got absolutely pantsed by Vandy last week.  They looked absolutely dreadful… against Vandy.  Nutt is likely dead man walking at the end of this year & since I made a JFK reference in the last pick, it’s a nice segue to let you know that the last time Ole Miss (GEAUX TO HELL!) won an SEC or National title, JFK was president.  I’ll let that sink in fer yas a moment. (snickers) Across the sidelines is another coach who is on the hot seat / dead man walking list in Mark Richt.  The winner of this game may be able to stave off their mid-season execution until the end of the year.  Or maybe not.  But these teams are shite right now but Georgia has more momentum at the moment since they were pantsed by Vandy last week.          Georgia 27, Ole Miss 24

Giggity giggity!! Goo goo goo!! Giggity giggity!! Goo goo goo!!

Bama -12 vs. Arkansas
Bama is favored by 12 over one of the team supposedly going to challenge for the SEC West crown?!  Really?  What does Vegas know that we don’t?  Well, actually a lot most likely but that line seems really high to me.  I mean, I know a lot of people out there have mancrushes & bromances on Nick $atan but if Vegas is falling for it, I am really worried.  Color me skepicible & a Bama-hater but I’m all over Arkansas & the points like a defensive lineman is on Jay Cutler.          Bama 26, Arkansas 17

Texas A&M -4 vs. Oklahoma St.
Future SECers take on T. Boone Pickens’ Cowpokes in College Station.  This is a game that the winner of likely sets them up for a winner-take-all Big 12 – X, Where X Equals Any Whole Number Conference showdown with Oklahoma.  Okie St. has given up points in abundance so far this season & the Aggies are, well, I don’t know really.  I haven’t seen the Aggies play yet so I’m just taking a flyer on them since Okie St.’s D this year has been crap this year.  Not quite Arsenal of the EPL kind of crap but crap nonetheless.  Luckily for them they can put up points in bunches.  Man I like me dat Honey Bunches Of Oats cereal.          Texas A&M 38, Oklahoma St. 28

LSU -6.5 at West Virginia
Maaaaaaan, it’s so disappointing that West Virginia made couch burning a felony.  I mean that’s like not letting Irish people dance a jig.  Or letting Appalachian mountain folk not make moonshine.  Or not letting politicians rip everybody off.  I mean people will do what they will do.  I just hope people don’t burn The Hat’s hat in effigy if the Mountaineers pull off the win.  B/c you know they’ll be jacked up for this one since: A.  they’re nutty like SEC to begin with & will want to show they can beat an SEC big boy & 2. those mountain folk are a bit queer anyway.  Just think how hopping mad they’ll be if Obama follows through on his threat to kill the coal industry!  Not sure how that’ll work since the majority of our country’s electricity is produced by burning coal.  Boooooooooooooo, where’s the awful jokes, Curtísimo?  We want awful jokes over awful political commentary.  Winter is coming!  For everybody it seems not just House Stark of Winterfell.          LSU 24, West Virginia 14

What you looking at?  This is how I heat my house now the coal industry gonna go belly up.

Ooh! Speaking of House Stark, A Song Of Ice And Fire fans will like that in the Carling Cup in England on Tuesday evening that the Starks finally got one over on the Lannisters as Wolverhampton Wanderers, commonly known as Wolves, beat the Lions of Millwall, 5-0! Take dat you incestuous, scheming Lannisters! THE KING IN THE NORTH!

What a crazy time we live in… a Southron lad like meself pledging fealty to a Northman!  Then again, The Hat is a “Northman” anyway. Well, that’s your lot for this week.  So, now if you’ll excuse me I have to go get ignored by several womens on the dating site.

D’oh! Nuggetz Will Come Out Tomorrow

Like the sun, the Tasty Nuggetz will come out tomorrow, trusty Nuggeteers.  Because, you see, ol’ Chuckles/Curtísimo forgot his little cheat sheet with his games picked & crazy ideas at work.  Sheets known as “Curtis’ Brain” by the one day entrepeneur empire of REK.  So, no Nuggetz for now, which is the kind of service you have come to respect the Nuggetz for & it’s low, low price of Free.99.

So…. how’s ya’mom’an’nems?  They get that General Lee t-shirt yet?  In the meantime, if you fellows & fellowettes are into that kind of thing, here’s a basic rundown of West Virginga’s Air-Raid offense from andthevalleyshook.com, an excellent LSU blog.  Give dem boys some visits if yous into dat LSU thang, they put out a decent product which also is Free.99.

So I’ll end on this which is a sad, sad state of affairs in our perpetual decline into dictatorship or at the very least a nannyocracy- it is now a felony, yes, a felony to burn coaches in West Virginia.  Really, politician peeples, a felony?  Do people out there in internetland grasp that?  A freaking felony?  That means you go to prison & have “convicted felon” to put on your resume if you’re convicted of couch burning.

So, think about that for a minute.  Theoretically, you could destroy at your will, your property & say no one gets hurt.  BOOM! Tough shit- felony.  Man, I bet some pasty white dickheads & dickheadettes pat themselves on the back mightily for that law written.  Society is no doubt a better place after the passage of this law!  Never mind the crooks on Wall St. & Congress bleeding everybody dry in the slow death of our modern economy.  Nope!  We need to purge the earth of the scourge of couch burning!  Why, it’s almost as seedy & dangerous as mattress tag removal!  Hard time for couch burning?  Can’t wait for jail time for grandma when she burns the omelets on the skillet!

Man, any of you guys remember that time when I lived on Bayou Fountain & my cousin & I had that couch bonfire following the Ole Miss game ca. 1996?  Red Dog went tumbling into the ditch & gashed his leg on a concrete shard & Super Dave didn’t want to bring him to the hospital.  That party was EPIC.  I don’t even remember what happened in the game.  Man, good effing times!

Alas, poor Couch Burning! I knew him, Kippster,
a fellow of infinite jest, of most excellent fancy.

Tasty Nuggetz Midweek Picks, Week 3!

Thursday’s Game
LSU -4.5 at Moo State
Can Moo State ever find love again in the SEC? Though they have that sole SEC title game appearance back in the 90s (I bet that burns Ole Miss [GEAUX TO HELL!] fans), it’s been bare pickings (no relation to T. Boone) in Starkvegas for over a decade.  Though they were seeming to turn a corner the last couple years with taking the scalp of Florida last year, nearly taking LSU’s scalp in the rain in ’09 the last time we met in Starkvegas & taking last year’s Crystal Asterik winner, Auburn, to the wire… literally last week.  I was really leery of this game a couple of weeks ago before our defense showed itself to be truly fucking hostile versus Oregon & Northwestern St., the latter to whom they allowed -4 yards rushing last week.  With the recent release of LSU’s Nike Pro Combat unis to be worn against Auburn, they’ll be even more fucking hostile as they kind of resemble a football version of Imperial Stormtroopers.  Now, for Moo St. I’m only a little leery.  Although playing in Starkvegas with an improved Moo State squad who is looking for love & on a Thursday Night prime time game has the potential to be a trap for the Tigers but I’ll take Da Tigahs by a Touchdown.  I’m not sure why I capitalized touchdown in that last sentence.         LSU 27, Moo St. 20

Looking for love in Starkvegas requires some initiative

Friday’s Game
Boise St. -20.5 at Toledo
(Scene from over the summer)
Boise: Yeah, boy! We’ll play anybody, anywhere!  BCS busters, baby!  Anybody! Anytime! Anywhere!
Toledo: Ooh! Ooh! Over here! We need a game, Boise.
Boise (ignoring Toledo): What? Hunh?  No takers?  You all scared or what?  Where’s all them big schools, hunh?  We’ll play anybody, anywhere, baby!
Toledo:  Ooh! Ooh! Excuse me?! Boise?  Ooh! Right here, we need a game!  You can come to Toledo too!
Boise (still ignoring Toledo): You all wimps or what? Anybody, anywhere, fools!
Toledo: Ooh! Ooh! Right here, Boise! Right HERE!
Boise (finally acknowledging Toledo with a disgusted sigh): What? Oh, Hi.  Are you um… here to schedule us a game with Ohio St.?
Toledo: Um, no.  We want to play you guys.  But we are in Ohio.  You guys said you’d play “anybody, anywhere,” right?
Boise: Uhhhh, yes.  But, but we meant…
Toledo: “Anybody, anywhere?”
Boise: But…
Toledo: Anybody. Anywhere.
Boise: But…
Toledo: ANYBODY. ANYWHERE.
Boise: (sighs with reluctance) Ok, ok.  We’ll come play in Ohio.  In Toledo… can you guys at least get us some Mud Hens hats?
Toledo: Done!

And thus, Boise will be forced to play in Toledo but luckily for Boise, ESPN will still no doubt verbally fellate them all game long as ESPN is wont to do.  Plus, Boise St. recently took its first official step in trying to be like a BCS school.          Boise St. 41, Toledo 17

Wish Boise St. was playing the Mud Hens, one of the best minor league team names EVAR

PS Honey Badger for Heisman update! The Honey Badger has is own Honey Badger for Heisman Facebook page! Click the link & hit the ‘Like’ button if you don’t give a shit (like the Honey Badger).  

More Gratuituous LSU Love

Sakes alive!  Praise Jeebus!  Benevolent Biggie! Holy Hat!  You wanna hear the dopest, freshest, illingest, beastist, pwningest track EVAR?  Damn right, you do!  This track comes from the LSU TigerZ posse of their “Owning Oregon” EP. Da fresh shit is called “Beast Mode.”  This track is so awesome it’ll make you wanna walk around all day in Purple & Gold pimp attire whilst tugging on your junk!!  Look out, ladies (and ‘hos)!

*          *          *         *          *

The only thing more awesome than a dope ass hip-hop track is a dope ass hip-hop track set to MUTHAFUCKIN’ FOOSBALL HIGHLIGHTS.  OMG, America fucking rocks.  They don’t have hip hop foosball highlights in Commieland or in Americahaterville, & you know this, doods.

And the only thing more awesome than a dope ass track set to muthafuckin’ foosball highlights is, of course, Chuck Norris & a 3 wolves & moon t-shirt.

Geaux Awesome things!

The Tasty Nuggetz, Week 2; Weekend Picks!

Well, dem Cowpokes sure acquitted themselves well against Arizona!  Instant analysis of the Oklahoma St.-Arizona game was this- I was busy watching the Saints play awful defense in the NFL kickoff opener.

To the weekend picks!

Saturday
Mississippi St. -7 at Auburn
The SEC Spread Bowl!  Moo St. comes off a shellacking of Memphis whilst Teh Barners of Auburn come off a saved by the bell last-minute victory against Utah St.  In what could be a changing of the guard a bit in the SEC West, Mississippi St. has a legitimate shot to beat the War Legal Law All-Stars.  But if Auburn can harness the power of the Crystal Asterisk like the Skeksis can harness the power of the Dark Crystal, then Moo State may be in for a rude awakening on the road despite being a TD favorite.  But color me anti-skeksis & I think Moo State hands the Barners their 1st loss as Black Tebow, Chris Relf, pwnanates Auburn’s Hobbit/Elven-looking QB, Barrett Trotter.           Mississippi St. 28, Auburn 20

Alabama -10 at Penn St.
So, Joe Paterno is like 963 years old.  Which is the age Methuselah reached in Exodus, the oldest person ever according to the Bible.  Now, Penn St. & Paterno haven’t really been an upper echelon program for long ever since Jacob brought down the walls of Jericho when Joe Paterno was just a grad assistant with Canaan Tech.  Bama’s big win last week glossed over the fact that their 2 QBs had pedestrian Jarrett Lee-like performances in throwing 4 INTs against a fairly poor defense.  But don’t look now b/c Nick $aban’s hair is still a perfect quaff of manly hair goodness.  In fact, if $aban was a Game of Thrones character, he’d be a Lannister.  And “a Lannister always pays his debts”… even to old coots like JoePa.           Bama 34, Penn St. 21

House Lannister’s colors are Crimson, like the evil SEC House of Bama!

Notre Dame -3.5 at Michigan
1st night game in Teh Big House!  Glad to see the Midwesterners realize it’s 2011 & use electricity to play a night game.  Man, you give people some freedom & all of a sudden bing-pow-kablooie!- Night games!  Next thing you know those kookie Midwesterners will want things like regular air conditioning!  Well, you know what they say… give somebody an inch & they’ll take a mile.  Except for Michigan.  Who has missed out on taking Miles twice!  Boom!  Get it? GET IT?! PS, Notre Dame is the England of College Foosball- overrated rubbish who live off accomplishments of days gone by.          Michigan 29, Notre Dame 27

Texas -7 vs. BYU
In a battle of future independent nations, Texas hosts BYU.  Generalissimo Mack Brown takes his charges into battle against the chosen army of the Angel Moroni.  With the inevitable death of the Big 12 & the blood of that event on Texas’ hands, BYU may be able to take advantage in Austin b/c oh by the way, Mack Brown still actually sucks as a head coach when he doesn’t have a Vince Young to bail him out.  Or a Cart McCoy.  So look for the Christians who’ve already seen a return of Holy Baby Jeebus to nick the upset & walk out of Austin with a stolen DVD of Stevie Ray Vaughn’s Austin City Limits performance where he set the house on fire.          BYU 24, Texas 22

Iowa -6.5 at Iowa St.
In the Ethanol Bowl, I really could care less who wins this match.  Although I’ll pick the game so as to make a joke into a non-existent “Ethanol Bowl” or some stupid political “Iowa Straw Poll Bowl.”  And looking at the straw poll results it looks like Vegas has the Iowa Tea Party to murder both Iowa & Iowa St. at 5-1 & a Michelle Bachmann & Sarah Palin big-boobed, big-bootied FOX-backed politislut daily double to pay out at 11-1 if both of them sleeps with the winner(s) of this game.  Oh by the way, I’m putting my money on Iowa b/c Hawkeye was a character in M*A*S*H.           Iowa 23, Iowa St. 7

LSU -47 vs. Northwestern (La.) St.
This really should be an unofficial pick since real Vegas lines generally don’t list I-A v. I-AA teams.  But, let’s just view this matchup as a cup match like you get in soccer across the pond where cross-divisions play each other regularly.  So, with that in my mind, LSU should be & are huge favorites as they come off a big win over a “sexy” Oregon team & about the only thing Northwestern St. has going for it is it’s located in Natchitoches, La. & it hosts a Christmas Lights Festival that’s so much fun, ‘ol Chuckles nearly bedded one of the hottest chicks he’s ever known.  But, almost only counts in horseshoes & hand grenades & LSU will win this one but not by 47 since Jarrett Lee sucks & only throws 3 TDs & MettenChrist only throws 2 in this one. If you got an extra 5 or 10 quid lying around, another Honey Badger defensive score isn’t a bad bet either.         LSU 41, Northwestern St. 7

Oh & here is live video of the Big 12 (-2) further breakup from the scene in Waco at Baylor University: